☻N ☺A☻ N ☺D ☻I ☺T☻ O☺ L☻ A☺ N ☻G☺ A☻ K☺ O☻

It's time to leave.

2008-07-09T10:21:00.008+08:00

Blogging has lost its meaning to me.

When I decided to blog, my real intention was to meet friends, virtual or otherwise: share opinions, have a good laugh at each other's posts, hang out once in a while, just like when I first started blogging in my early college days.

In almost a year of re-blogging, I've met great people. Friendly people. Wonderful people. Reading their blogs made them part of my life, my life beyond the chaotic outside world which I (and perhaps, they, too) meant to escape from. And there they were. There we were. Enjoying every bit of our funny, bizarre, hurtful, happy, and fleeting everyday existence. We've become friends, one way or another. Many may not notice but I watch friends closely. I offer help in any way I can.

I've seen them fall. I've seen them rise. I've seen them change. And heartbreakingly, I've seen them leave.

Friends are very important to me. I trust them so much so fast that I create a space for them in my life without asking if they are going to stay. If one of them leaves, that space I allotted stays empty forever. It kills me seeing that space. I am so vulnerable when it comes to friends because I have lost a friend many times. And many spaces in my life stay empty. I am now so empty. I am very defenseless when it comes to friends because I’d give, willingly, all for you.

Being empty, I think I can not share anything anymore. I don't just think, I know. I can not share what I do not possess. And I don't want to beg. But it's immaterial altogether. I hope you'll all find what you're looking for. If it's not happiness, then I don't know what. But I hope you find it.

- - -

Cesar: I've enjoyed your wacky blog. I'll still drop by once in a while. Text kita.

Joms: Pare, sorry sa lahat. Kung alam mo lang. Sobra mo akong giniba. But it has been a great experience knowing and reading you. You're the hardest part of blogging to leave.

Doc Ced: Ym parin tayo once in a while. I enjoy sharing trivialities with you. You'll be a great doctor, I can feel it. I know. Pogi ka, huwag kang kapusin ng self-esteem.

Kuya Mink: Bibisitahin parin kita sa blog mo, kahit anong mangyari! Hehe. I really needed to get out of here, sorry. Text parin kita, whatever happens.

Paul: Text me. Labas uli tayo one of these days.

Atty. Chase: Ang tagal ng blog leave mo. Pero salamat sa lahat ng pinagdaanan nating kalokohan. Bibisita ako sa blog mo whenever I do my research online. Sana mag-update ka na.

Bryan: Parekoy, adda ak latta ditoy. Ammom met iti numerok. Nu agaw-awid ka manen ditoyen, bagaan nak, wen? Na-enjoy ko amin nga kabaklaan ta nga duwa! ^_^ Ngem papanan ka latta dita blog mo basta masanguk.

Aaron: Ligawan mo na siya. He's a wonderful and lovable guy. Ym tayo whenever you're free. And because you swear not to tell anyone our secret, I'll give you a hint. He's up here. Not down there.

Ely: I enjoyed having you in my friends list. I love your photos. I think they're the best! Di ko pala natanong kung kilala mo si Al Dimalanta...

Poi: Salamat uli sa friendship badge. Babalik-balikan ko pari ang iyong kubeta. ^_^

Miss Kurdapya: Susunod na ako sa iyo...

Scarlet Mirage/Portable Bitch: Kung saan man kayo naroroon, miss ko na kayo ng sobra.

Franny: Text mo ako, text kita. I'll miss your adobo. Hindi pa man tayo nakakapag-kape sa Gateway, pasasaan ba't matutuloy din yun.

Wandering Commuter: I'll still drop by once in a while. Thanks, bro.

Sa mga kaklase ko at taga-laboratoryo: Two ways-- yahoo group and friendster. Sa mga taga-lab, nakalimutan ko ang username ko mga tol. Pano kaya yun?

Dabo: Alam kong nagsisimula pa lang ako maadik sa blog mo. Hehe. Pero malay mo, maadik nga ng tuluyan. ^_^ Ingat lagi, parekoy.

Nurse Ruff: Good luck sa love life. Pagna-admit ako, irerequest kong ikaw maglagay ng swero ko. Hahaha!

Yffar: Ikamusta mo nalang ako uli ke Criso... Enjoy ko ang shala mong blog.

Empress Maruja: Boboto parin ako sa Superstar mo. Pero bakit ang tagal mong hiatus?

Normand: Salamat sa friendship badge. Ingat lagi, banker.

Philippe: Di ka man bumibisita sa blog ko, I want you to know I'm glad you are better now. Nakita ko rin kung paano ka bumangon eh, at masaya akong nandun ako nun.

Kingdaddy: Oy kolokoy! Hahaha! Hintayin mo ako sa blog mo.

Kris: Katukayo, naa-amaze parin ako sa busy life mo, pero bumabawi naman sa sarap ng pagkain. Hahaha. I'll drop a line every now and then.

Insomniac: Hahaha, shala ka forever.

Gerald/Ian/Mike/Arjay/Macky/Daizuke: Busy na ang buhay niyo, pero I'm glad we've met here.

Kuris: Good luck sa buhay may-asawa. Pero you look determined to make it work. That's great. Sana maging mabuting asawa rin ako when the right time comes.

TL: Ym tayo.

Eclaves/Remcyl/Mrs. J: Mga kakosa kong byutipul. Agkikita tayon tu met laeng! Nu madanon.

Veradik: Salamat sa concern. Cbox mo lang ako if anything.

Zen Bitch: Magbabasa parin ako ng two-tongued poetry mo. Idol kita eh.

Kris Canimo: Astig ka!

Poging Payatot: Hahaha! Kikitain nalang kita uli, sa blogosphere o g4m. Patawa ang blog mo, loko. ^_^

Couen/Russ: Mga bisdak kong kaibigan. Da bes kayo tinuod!

Twistedhalo/Kai: Sexiest blogs ever!

Mojo Patatas: Maliit lang ang Baguio, makikita uli kita. ^_^

Ferbert: Kinnana gayyem, umuna akon nga umikkaten. Bisitaek tu lattan diay weird nga blog mo. Hehe! Ingats.

Joice/Sexymoi: Ladies, sorry gotta leave. I'll miss you all.

Johnray/Momel/Marvin: Dadaan parin ako sa blog nyo. You just all tc!

- - -

I'm gonna miss you all guys. I can still clearly remember you all. I will remember you all, definitely, kahit sa mga hindi ko masyadong naka-close kasi hindi responsive at madalang mag-update ng blog.

I'm sad and happy at the same time. I know this will help. And it's for the better for all of us.

Goodbye.

NANDITO LANG AKO...

2008-07-08T19:31:00.005+08:00

...

E bakit ka nariyan? Bakit ang layo mo... na?

...

Shit happens.

2008-07-07T22:28:00.006+08:00

In life, shit happens.

This can be read in two ways.

1. Sometimes, shit just happens for no reason. Sometimes, in the worst moments. The best thing about it is that, you learn from all those shit.

2. You're life is nothing but shit.

I want to think my case isn't the second one.

(From now on, I'll take you off my system so shit stops happening. Just like how I eliminated carb from my diet.)

Bless me fafa for I have sinned

2008-07-05T22:27:00.003+08:00

May crush ako... Ex-seminarian. Naaamoy kong ano siya... Hehehe.

Something to keep me motivated! ^_^ Lost 5 kilos now.

Pwede na akong mag 1 step backward, 5 steps forward na ako within a week eh. Hehehe. Inuman na!!!

a letter to spiderman from a fan

2008-07-02T22:29:00.006+08:00

i met spiderman and fell in love with him. i tried to resist. i struggled to get rid of this feeling because i know he'll never even notice me, but his flaws just drew me nearer. i felt for a second there that he needed me. i could take care of him, you know. but the thought, as i think it over now, is plainly pathetic. i knew falling in love with him was just another big mistake, not that i did anything right in my life.

who wouldn't fall in love with a hero whose torso can freeze mr. freeze and make a joke out of the joker's wits? but wait, do they actually know each other? or am i mixing things up? where was i? oh yes, the way he weaves his instrument of metaphors can leave anybody stung, dumbfounded, until they realize they were about to die. yes, they: all at once.

spiderman, you own the web. no, you are the web!you're the reason why i came here even if it means ending up all sucked up and empty.

you're the biggest irony i've ever experienced. why did you salvage me from sadness only to kill me with depression afterwards? why are you called a hero at all? i don't really get it.

do you know that spiders should not be playing with fire because it's dangerous? the more i feel your fire's warmth, the more i feel hot. wait, was that irony or paradox? where was i? oh, i was just about to ask if this is just another kind of burning, with no conclusion? or was your real intention to burn me?

truth to tell, i didn't expect this to happen. i know you were cautious not to inflict this curse upon anyone, that is why you wear a mask. but what if the mask doesn't matter anymore? i heard your friend harry osborn tried to take advantage of you sometime in the past, when you were at your rock bottom, but you should understand, he was just confusing things. maybe, signs. or he just wanted to comfort you and care for you, and cover you with himself. yes, however you want others to see you as this tough superhero with extra-human abilities. maybe he just saw the baby in you, and he just felt that moment that you needed care. and i can't say i wouldn't have done the same, but...

o spiderman, i hope a lizard catches you, and chew your head off so i wouldn't be so interested in having you at all anymore. so i would stop desiring for your disjointed, incoherent, incredible, and scattered body... and sensibility.

Pumped Up

2008-07-01T13:21:00.028+08:00

As a child, I didn't have any insecurity about how I look. I wasn't an ugly kid. I was (through my parents) even offered to appear in a movie in the 80s, but I was from the province and my mamang who raised me wasn't interested in money because we didn't really need it. I had all I wanted when I was small. I was spoiled, but not a brat. I had a good sense of good and bad at an early age--my grandparents being devout Catholics.

When I went to school, I was a friendly pupil. I'd let my classmates use my things. I'd let them play my toys. I'd let them copy my answers during quizzes, and there was really no problem. Everybody was nice to me. There were some times when kids from lower sections called me Ike Lozada, Porky Pig, and other derogatory remarks, but my classmates and friends would defend me. I didn't really take those name-callings badly then, because as a child, people around me have always made me feel 'liked' being the friendly chubby kid. I graduated valedictorian in elementary, but ironically, that was when I started thinking there was something wrong with me.

I started to like girls. It was late (just before the graduation), but the liking was so strong. My biggest crush had the biggest crush on Devon Sawa. How could I compete with that guy? And then, she changed crushes upon realizing that he was out of her league thinking that Devon would have probably liked girls with big boobs like Pamela Anderson. She said she wanted to marry Patrick Garcia. Yeah, that thin guy who has a deformed nose. I started to think of my self as a substandard, the thin, err, slim being The Standard. Many girls liked me as I was, but the only girl I liked wanted to marry somebody else, a thin guy.

Since then, if I remember correctly, my attention was drawn to guys. I began to have male crushes. I desired them secretly: their abs, their bulges and their boyish faces best of all. But then again, I'd still have crushes on my girl classmates in high school. One of them turned out to be a lesbian. And the other married my best friend after high school. It wasn't easy feeling rejected in a way. I felt like the ugliest person in the world in my high school days. I began to be shy. I doubted my capabilities in everything. Although I excelled in class, it wasn't enough. I was fat. Reducing weight wasn't easy. The more depressed I was, the more I ate. Writing kept me sane. I started writing journals, poems and random ramblings. Most them I threw away. But some of them are still with me.

In college, it was tougher. Those extra-curriculars--theater, sports, mountain climbing, debate, everything--required good looks, altheticism, self-confidence, and attitude. I had none. In the lowest point of my life, I met Doc. She showed me that I was worth something. She made me feel important. She brightened up my darkest days... she made me feel loved.

I started from there. I regained my self-esteem. Everytime we were together and guys would stare at her, I'd tell myself I'm one lucky guy. I slowly attracted the attention of other people. Guys. Until I did the unthinkable. I went to bed with guys I hardly knew, for fun. I was exploring. It made me feel good about myself, but slowly I began to lose touch with Doc. After some time, more and more guys rejected my advances. I felt low, until one of them lightened me up. I fell in love with him. But after the night we met, I never saw him again. He confessed through text message that everything he said was lie just so I'd want to meet up with him. I suffered the longest period of depression. One whole year I lived an abnormal lifestyle. Until again, friends brought me up to where I am now.

Since then, I knew better. But just when I was about to feel good about myself, a recurring problem would hinder me. My size. Up until now. I feel good one minute, the other, sad. This is why I decided to not involve myself with other people in search of happiness. I want to be happy by myself. I want to be/feel complete before I give myself again.

Thinking about the cruelty men inflicted upon me in the past, I want to change my entirety for the better. I figured it'd nice to maintain an air of hostility to people I do not know so they couldn't hurt me. Not extend a ready hand to just anyone so they couldn't use/abuse me. And not to fall in love again so they couldn't drain me. But this is not for revenge. I'm doing this for myself, to be a better person. And what better way to be a better person than starting to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to live long, and meaningfully. I was just waiting for this moment to come. I've done this before and I've dropped 15kg through Southbeach diet. I'm sure I can do this again.

This is me now. And I'm giving myself another month to be slimmer (I hate this word). And another, until I reach my goal. I am making my target realistic and I'm gonna work hard to attain this. I am not going to fail.

***After giving it much thought, I think I will be wanting to be alone for some time while purging everything bad out of me.

Now that I'm feeling most alone, I think I'll need to resolve this conflict by/within myself, and in the real world, not here. I think I'm beginning to be too dependent on you guys.

But just so you all know, I really deeply appreciate everything you've done. Expect no less from me.

Randomness

2008-06-30T11:30:00.002+08:00

1. Tumaas ang pagkamangha ko kay Mugen. Words can be so strong if put together by someone who knows 'life' well.

2. Namimiss ko si doc.

3. Naaaliw ako sa g4m word assoc at iba pang word games. Pero babawasan ko na para di ako makmukhang epal.

4. Ang dami ko na agad friends sa downelink, at marami naring nag-iinvite. Ang saya.

5. Pupunta kami sa Manila tomorrow.

6. Ang hirap talaga ng literary theory.

7. Wala paring nagyayaya ng inuman. At videoke.

8. Pumayat ako uli ng 3 lbs..

9. Yung crush ko dito sa building, di ko na masyadong nakikita.

10. Kumusta na kaya si Paul aka Lagalag aka Kwengkwang?

Towards the advocacy

2008-06-29T20:53:00.005+08:00

(Nahuli ba ako sa balita?)

I just want to register this blog under Pinoy Gay Blogs to take my blogging to a higher level... Towards something I advocate. For the main belief that gay people, just like any other, maybe different from, but absolutely equal to, all the people in the universe.

And so I invite you all Filipino gay bloggers in the entire galaxy to join us in this endeavor. Let us not just IMAGINE a community we where all belong anymore, because now we know we can make it happen.

YOU can make it happen by pressing the icon below.

Be one of us, and make a difference.

First, Lakers. And then, Diaz.

2008-06-29T12:04:00.003+08:00

"In the ninth round, Diaz’s face is a mess as the round starts and Pacquiao resumes the assault. Pacquiao lands a three-punch combination to the head. Diaz throws a left and a right, which Pacquiao blocks with his gloves. Diaz simply can’t land much. Straight left by Manny snaps Diaz’ head back. Diaz’ left eye is blackening and closing quickly. Pacquiao circles and flicks a couple of jabs. Right hand inside followed by a left sends Diaz down face first. The ref doesn’t even bother to count and waives the fight off at 2:24.

Pacquiao wins by knockout."

-Kevin Lole, Yahoo Sports News
(http://sports.yahoo.com/box/news;_ylt=AmyvqHd5yH7Ev34JPjDKYn6UxLYF?slug=ki-livescoring062808&prov=yhoo&type=lgns)

Now, I'm poorer by another 500 pesos.

Friggin' sh*t!

Problematizing

2008-06-28T20:30:00.007+08:00

More and more every passing day, my self-doubt grows bigger and bigger. Although, this is not to mean that it's negative, if it hits you that way. I think I have just adapted this estimative sense of what and what not I can do.

I always ask myself:

1. Will I let my hair grow as long as Rapunzel's? Open doors to possibilities of promiscuous encounters just so I'd feel better about myself? I'm way past this, but I like the feeling.

I know it's immature. Kill me now.

2. Am I better off alone (for the mean time), so I can realize the blessing that is being single and unattached? Can we truly be unattached? Is there a reward for being so?

Relationships have done me nothing right. I think I am not yet ready (?), or that it's just not me to give everything because I still think of myself first.

This is maybe partly the reason why I like having many friends, because there are no strict rules, or thinking about limits with them. Anything goes, as long as there's respect, genuine concern, care, honesty--it's good to go. No strict requirements. No pressure. And it all comes naturally.

And friends are not each other's problems. Getting into a relationship is sticky business.

*I got dirty, I got sticky, but you see, I learnt.

Or did I?

3. Will I be famous? Will I be rich? Hahaha. Napulot ko lang ito sa lyrics ng kanta. Huwag na niyong pansinin ito.

Yung dalawa nalang, hindi na bale yung pangatlo. Di ko na problema iyon.

It's raining men!

2008-06-26T00:04:00.007+08:00

Wis vang reason para magmahaba ang hair kiz nitong mga nakaraang days? In furnezz to moi, multitude na ang nagparamdam sa urs trulalits, pero ang drama kez parang wiz lang nangyare. Hahaha! Pa-innocent effect, kahit Britney Spears naman inside. Bibilang lang akez ng dalawa ngayon, and more for later.
1. Nung may-I-went sa Manila, luray luray ever ang byuti ng lolo niyo. Naka-ust jacket and all, moist ang glasses, at pinagpapawisan. In short, wet look na bonggang bongga. Naglalakad ako towards some obscure 3-star hotel around Avenida. Habang naglalakad akez, may na-sight akong wowowee ang katawan, inside Chowking. Edi lakad lang ako while I cleaned my glasses para mas lalo kong ma-occular inspection itong homme na madadaanan ko. Saktong tapat ko na, pero nasa labas parin ako ng Chowking ha, I put on my glasses only to see he was already smiling at moi! Sosyalan, diba? Sad thing, wis ko type ang fez ni macho homme. Edi lakad ever lang kez...

Nakarating narin si Ulysses sa kanyang Ithaca, pero anetch ang nangyari? Wala pang vacant room. Edi naglayag uli ako papalabas, saktong naisipan kong mag-Jollibee! Umorder akez ng JolliHotdog na bonggang bongga. Habang kumakain akez, hala, papalapit na si Mr. Chowking at nag "hi". Tumigil for a while sa harap ko, nagkita ang mata namin. E akez, dedma kasi nga mga sis, wiz ko type itu. Mas type ko ang fez kesa body. Kisser kaya ako? Hahaha!

And so, may-I-buy daw siya ng churva, pero di ko na pinansin. May biglang umupo na deysi-sais sa tabi ko. Naglaway ako! Hahaha! Poohtah! Habang nakatingin ako sa kanyang shorts, ngumiti itu sakin. Napakanta nalang ako ng "O tukso... Pagbigyan mo ako!!!" to the highest level!!! Pero natauhan ako, at naisip kong birthday ni doc ang aking sadya doon. Biglang naging boy's cut ang buhok ni Rapunzel, at kumiling ang kabayo ni Robert Frost. Reality check daw,"And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep". And the irony is that, I never really had sleep. ^_^

2. Nagpamasahe kami ng aking bonggang bonggang sister sa Session Road. Sabi niya, 2 hours daw ang kanya kasi itutulog pa niya, so fine! Sabi ko nalang, lakad-lakad muna ako sa labas since nakakahiya naman sa mga lola na tumambay ako sa napakalimited na space sa spa.

Ang lamig ng panahon and everything. Naglakad-lakad lang ako sa Session, nagkape saglit sa Mr. Donuts, at lumalakad uli. May nahagip ang aking peripheral vision na college stude, naka-uniform pa itech, magkaklase at nagpipikyuran sa may gilid. Napalingon ako at tumawa ng taimtim. At lola, nag "hi kuya" ang mokong. Ako naman, diretso na ng lakad. Ang cute niya! Lamang lang si Ejay ng PBB ng isang paligo. Edi si Ulysses, kilig-kiligan, pero diretso parin sa paglakad. Hinabol niya ako, tinanong niya ang oras. Sabi ko 10pm. Sabi niya, alam ko raw ba yung lugar na something, pero binilisan ko lang ang paglakad. Kuya, bakit ka nagmamadali, sabi niya. I have to go home, sabi ko naman. At sa Ingles, para sosyalan. Nagsasalita siya pero di ko na pinansin. I have company waiting for me eh. Haiz...

Naalala ko tuloy sa Padi's. May lalaking naka-hood na mukhang Mark Herras na lumapit while I was dancing with my friends in a circle. Sabi niya, ang daming tao ano? Sabi ko, mas marami, mas masaya. Sabi niya, mas masaya sa tahimik. And then he was already asking for my number. Sabi ko nalang, I really can't, I'm with my (invisible) gf. Hahaha! Kaloka. Ayaw ko nga ng ganun. Masyadong sosyalan. Di ko ma-take.

Pang-apat na fafa in three days. Say mo? Sabi ni doc, I look 5 kilos slimmer. Itu kaya ang rason?

Humahava na talaga ang aking hair... Ipa-David Salon ko kaya para ipa-layer? ^_^ Say mo?

Sleepless, literally

2008-06-23T11:52:00.010+08:00

Pagdating ko sa Maynila ng mga 12mn, agad akong naghanap ng matutuluyang hotel. And guess what, walang bakante. Kumusta naman ang buhay, with the strong wind, violent rain, and all that jazz?

And so, I waited up to 4am bago ako naaccomodate. And I woke up early in the morning to make the necessary preps, so more or less, 30 mins lang na hindi tuloy-tuloy and tulog ko kasi nawalan pa ng kuryente and hotel for some time. At ang aking pinakamamahal na shoes, naaawa ako sa kanila. Inilusong ko sa baha na puno ng ihi ng daga, dura, and god knows what else.

Salamat nga pala kina Mink, Cesar, at Paul. They were with me through texting while I was out there, cold and blue. Sobrang nalungkot ako sa pangyayari pero they managed to make me feel good about going there kahit na holdup ang taxi at pedicab na sinakyan ko. Mga abusado.

Eto ang mga litrato, and I won't elaborate anymore. The experience was just superb. Pero tumaas ang bp ko after sa dami ng nakain ko sa lunch buffet. Hulaan niyo nga kung saan ito? Hehe. P1, xxx ang per head, third most expensive meal ko sa buong buhay, third to some hotel in Singapore, and then a resto in Hongkong.

Si doc, making pa-cute to me.

Ang view, period.

Ang sosyal na interiors.

Want Mongolian?

Although I would tell doc na masaya na ako sa "manong, isa't kalahating kanin, pasabaw" or "danggit, itlog na maalat, at isang bandehadong kanin," kakaiba ang degree of happiness ko dahil kasama ko siyang kumain dito with her fun bro, interestingly opinionated mom, and his uncle na sobrang nakakatuwang kausap. ^_^

Happy birthday uli, doc!

Sleepless in Manila

2008-06-21T16:33:00.006+08:00

At around 11 pm tonite, I will already be in Manila. Alone in a hotel room.

Text niyo naman ako para hindi miserable ang pag-iisa. Hehe, desperado.

My biggest fear is being alone, mga kapatid. Parang di ko kakayanin...

Kinabukasan, aattend kasi ako ng birthday. Ang layo, diba? Susyal.

Interesado kayong magtext? 0917.360.2411/0922.7932139

^_^ Temporary numbers...

Friends...

2008-06-19T09:23:00.009+08:00

I'm back to reality. I have to conquer whatever it is that makes me weak to be stronger. I can't keep this thing going on, and making my puny little life suffer more. I've had enough, and I'm moving on.

Thanks to some friends who were (hopefully, are) there to comfort me when I was (am) down.

Pareng Joms, tangina! Yun lang. Salamat ng marami, hindi ko masabi sa salita. "Jeff Palmer is Jeff Palmer!" (Minor, 2008) Sino pa bang kaibigan ang mas maaasahan mo kaysa siya? Siyang nag-aadjust sa lahat ng pangangailangan mo. Siyang umaasikaso ng kaluwagan, kasikipan, at tempo ng iyong trip?

Besides, what's with the balbas and bigote? Matanong lang. ^_^

Jc, salamat din. Baka nga nagkakaganito ako para mas lumakas.

Noel, hindi tayo pareho ng pinagdadaanan pero tama ka. Depression lang siguro ito ng tigang. Hahaha! Pero other than that, okay naman ako. Depressed parin dahil hindi ko napanood ang oble run sa UP. Hahaha! Ayan, nakukuha ko nang humalakhak na parang Celia Rodriguez.

Wandering Commuter, I liked what you said. Tama ka naman. While on your journey, enjoy the detours. Magbaon ng ngiti. Kung sisimangot pa ako, edi mas lalong lolosyang, diba?

Vera, Anino, Paul, salamat. I'll be good. I promise. Recuperating narin kahit papaano.

Minkie, ang cute ng pic niyo ni Rad. Natuwa ako ng todo.

Cesario Minor, Jr., you've always been my constant reminder thru text to be ever critical. Walang point na magnguynguy sa isang gilid at maging "arsagid nga mangit". Ituloy ang laban gaya ni Judy Anne Santos against her many detractors. At papatunayan natin kay Sharon Cuneta na "You can NOT HAVE IT ALL!" Tanginang patalastas iyan, plastik! Hindi na sana siya bitter kay Gabby if she has it all.

At Mama Ja, I'm okay. Hindi na ako iiyak noh. Sabi ni Fergie, "Big gurls don't cry!" I so miss you. Huwag na maistress sa teaching load mo ng Psychology at Philosophy while your field of expertise naman talaga ay interior design and art restoration. Kaloka!

Anyhow, I've proven once again na kaya ko ang buhay single basta may mga hags! Hahaha! Joking aside, kaya ko palang mabuhay ng walang karelasyon as long as I have nourishing friends around, and a family ready to help. Bakit ko pa nga ba pinagkukunsumehan ang mga optional na problemang iyan, diba?

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Behind all these, I know that the road to happiness is still long, maybe endless. But it's what life is about, right? Finding real happiness. Not enjoyment. Not pleasure. Not sex, although it's negotiable. Lol. And not even honor, power, glory, or the combination of all the abovementioned. Happiness is knowing yourself and conquering those that make you sad. Finding someone who I can have sex with now won't solve my problem, although it would fix my temporary depression. But then again, it's precisely that which makes me weak.

And even my downe/g4m/biggercity accounts are proving to be impotent because all of the peeps seem nice and so approving, thus, not very helpful to me towards reaching that catharsis. Maybe I don't need to reach that point anymore. Why go through all that trouble when I know I can find the comfort and realization through friends? And having said that, I hope friends know by now that whatever happens, I'm also here, just a beep away.

Low, low, low, low

2008-06-15T22:51:00.003+08:00

I am starting from zero, but at least I know what I want now. And I already know what I am looking for.

After that period of confusion, after that series of depression, after all the people I have hurt and have hurt me, I can finally say that I am stronger now when I should be most depressed.

I have broken up with the person I've been intimate with for more than a year because of reasons that I will no longer elaborate. It just didn't work. We just didn't click. It's true what people say sometimes, that to be able to make a relationship work, you should be of the same mental, financial, emotional, intellectual and sexual level, or at least, more or less on the same plane. We just had too many differences that we weren't able to resolve so it was wisest to cut it. I know it wasn't going somewhere good.

(It's a good try though, it was my first homosexual relationship, and it lasted for about a year.)

Another is that I am a bum. I have no job, and I feel incompetent. I just so need someone to give my life direction. But I am not doing that. I have to do this by myself. I know I can, I just need a little push. It's also sad that these times when I need a friend, I see no one. My friends are minding their own problems, which I perfectly understand. Prices are hellishly high, damn the president. She abducted my friends. Philippines is becoming America. That's what I feel. Every interaction now seems business-like, transactional, cold. I feel so alone. If only my dad's here, I shouldn't be feeling this. I miss him so much.

I have reactivated my g4m, downelink, and biggercity accounts again. I know I'll feel worse, but I also know that when I reach the lowest point of my life, there'll be catharsis. Then, there will be no way but up.

I just feel so down right now.

First Assignment

2008-06-14T01:01:00.005+08:00

Indian Summer

By Dorothy Parker

In youth, it was a way I had

To do my best to please,

And change, with every passing lad,

To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,

And I do the things I do;

And if you do not like me so,

To hell, my love, with you!

***

Mahirap na sa akin ang pagkikritika ng tula nina Pete Lacaba at Amado Hernandez noon sa Uste, pero kumusta naman, parang wala nang natira sa utak ko sa literary criticism subject ko kay Chicharong Coroza at ang endless new critiquing ni American Ophelia.

Ang sabi ng prof ko, ianalyze daw ang tula formwise at contentwise. Other than it has a definite rhyme scheme and metered lines, ano pa ba ang masasabi sa form? Kailangan bang punahin ang stylistics nito? Eh hindi ko pa abot ang level na iyon.

At sa content, ang theme nito malamang ay as one approaches maturity, he/she becomes more self-approving. Tumataas ang level ng self-confidence niya. Mas sure na siya sa sarili niya. Hindi na niya kailangang magbago pa, kasi nakakapagod ang ganun. Kung kilala mo na ang sarili mo, at gusto mo na iyon, it's other's turn to change for him/her naman...(?)

Ahaha! Ang babaw ko na, nyemas. Help nyo naman ako, mga online tutors ko.

Annyeong Haseyo!

2008-06-10T23:59:00.006+08:00

I miss my Korean students in Mapua. They were nice and respectful, contrary to the common belief. Although, some girls I've met outside the institution are real bitches, that's besides the point. They were all giving people, although not all my students were wealthy.

This photo (above) was taken inside the UST Museum. I toured my three most favorite students there, all expenses paid, because they scored high in a level test. Carrick, Brian, some hot European artist whose name I forgot, and Jake were posing delightfully not knowing that taking pictures inside the museum is strictly prohibited. This was taken some months ago.

The second time we went there, the UST Museum was close, so these students together with two of my co-teachers contented themselves wandering around the multi-hectare-sized university. Can you tell if they enjoyed the trip? Apparently, Koreans are easy to please, according to experience.

All of a sudden, I miss them all...

I wonder if they still remember their "Ticha Kischan".

Ang Gwapo Mo

2008-06-07T20:39:00.003+08:00

Tangina.

Yun lang.

You really deserve to win.

Family Affair

2008-06-06T11:25:00.004+08:00

Since my dad's shocking death, I have become more worrisome of my mom, sisters, brother, and my grandparents. I am having sleepless nights thinking about their safety, reminding myself to care more, always more.

Since my grandparents are already 70, my anxiety is reaching the roof. My grandfather, very prim and disciplining, is having mandible problems. We thought it was just his lymphs fighting the infections, but it was something else so we had to get him admitted to a hospital. My grandma, the dearest person in the world to me, is doing better. But still, I'm still aching to think that sooner or later, she, no--they--are going to join my dad in heaven. I'd give up my live without regret just to add years to their beautiful existence. I know, I'm feeling it now, I will not be able to live without them.

Of course, mom, one of the two persons I owe my existence to, she's been mother and father to us for pretty much a long time now. I can't explain well enough how i love her. I just do. Same goes to my sisters and brother. I'll do everything to protect them. Even my non-violent nature will vanish, and I'll turn into Mr. Hyde in an instant if anyone messes with any of them, I swear to God.

My greatest fear is being alone and none of them ever made me feel that way. They have always efforted a little more than necessary just for me. And for that debt, I'd be more than happy to give everything back even if it costs my life.

Gotta Catch 'Em All, Again

2008-06-04T16:11:00.005+08:00

Because work is so elusive, and I have semi-given up on job searching, I have decided to spend my time at home playing Pokemon instead.

No money to buy Nintendo DS yet, so I'm contenting myself playing my good ol' Gameboy SP, with my Leaf Green, Fire Red, Sapphire and Ruby versions. And it's my first time to catch a rare shiny Pokemon, Zubat. Oh well, Crobat now since I made it so happy it evolved. Hehehe.

Anyhow, there are a lot of hunky-doodles around and my eyes are enjoying the feast. But there's a catch, no touch. But it's all good. I have my dvds with me to make me happy at night. I don't need someone to make me happy. I feel that I should be the first person to make myself happy before others will/can. I'm tired of being a second-hand person who is depending on others for happiness. I should make the first move to my personal happiness, right?

But I hope I get my hands on one soon. Hahaha! To quote Cesar, "Masusubok uli ang pang-akit ni Galema!"

PS: Doc and I are really getting along well, again. Will my Fiametta's dream and mine be fulfilled finally? I hope so.

My very first short story

2008-05-30T09:50:00.003+08:00

OUT

MY COUSIN JESSIE TOLD ME THIS MORNING OVER THE PHONE WHEN I WAS DRAFTING MY SYLLABUS THAT HE HAS COME OUT TO HIS FAMILY A WEEK AGO. HE CONFESSED THAT HE’S NOW FEELING KIND OF NAKED HAVING THEM KNOW HIS LITTLE DARK SECRET, BUT IT SURE FEELS A LOT LIGHTER. I SAID IT MUST BE THE FREEDOM. HE SAID HE DOESN’T KNOW. BUT IT’S WEIRD THAT MY DAD HAS BEEN TALKING TO HIM UNUSUALLY FREQUENTLY LATELY ASKING HIM HOW HE’S DOING AND STUFF. FROM THE LOOK OF IT, JESSIE IS PERFECTLY FINE. IT’S NOT AS IF HE’S GONNA BE A MOTHER SOON, OR SOMETHING. I KNOW HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE. HE’S LIKE MY LITTLE BROTHER, THE MINIATURE VERSION OF MYSELF. I DON’T NEED TO GO THERE TO KNOW HE’S FINE. HIS BODY'S IN TOP SHAPE; HIS WIT, UNSCATHED. AND HE’S RICH AND GORGEOUS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG?

MEANWHILE, I KNOW MY PARENTS ARE COOKING SOMETHING UP. BUT I TRUST UNCLE RON ABOUT THIS MATTER. HE’S A DOCTOR. NOT LIKE MY FATHER ISN’T, BUT AT LEAST HE’S NOT AN OBSTETRICIAN. HE IS A CARDIOLOGIST. IT MAKES A WHOLE LOT OF DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU ARE EXPOSED DOWN THERE; YOU BECOME BIASED, OR SO I CONCLUDED. BUT AUNT CECILIA, JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SPENDS A LOT MORE TIME IN THE CHURCH AND ADOPTED COMMUNITIES THAN AT HOME. THEY SHARE COMMON LOGIC, AND SOMETIMES, THE LACK OF IT. ONE TIME, I HEARD IN THEIR PRAYER MEETING HELD AT HOME THAT THEY WERE OFFERING PRAYERS FOR PARENTS WHOSE CHILDREN HAVE GONE ASTRAY FROM THE RIGHT PATH—THOSE WHOSE KIDS ARE TEENAGE MOTHERS, DRUG ADDICTS AND MEMBERS OF VIOLENT FRATERNITIES, CRIMINALS, AND GAYS. HALLELUJAH.

I REMEMBER WHEN I CAME OUT TO MY PARENTS MYSELF THREE YEARS AGO. IT CAME QUITE A SHOCK, BUT THEY DIDN’T DISOWN ME. WELL, ALMOST, BUT THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T. OF COURSE, IT’S INEVITABLE THAT THEY WERE UNSETTLED BY IT AT FIRST, BUT THEY ADJUSTED. THEY INTRODUCED ME TO THEIR COLLEAGUES’ DAUGHTERS, ALL BEAUTIFUL AND WELL-BRED, TO HOPEFULLY CHANGE MY DECISION, AS THOUGH I’D TRANSFORM MY ENTIRETY FOR A GIRL I HARDLY KNEW. I FELT LIKE ROYALTY HOLDING A BALL JUST SO I CAN FIND THE PRINCESS OF MY DREAMS. A PRINCE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE BECOME PIMPS. I’VE JOKED THEM ABOUT IT TO GIVE THEM A SUBTLE HINT BUT THEY JUST ANSWERED WITH SOUR FACES.

EVEN MY BROTHERS GOT INVOLVED IN THE SCHEME. THEY BROUGHT ME TO CABARETS AND HIGH-END BARS ALONG QUEZON AVENUE WHERE LADIES STRUT BARELY CLAD IN LACE AND LEATHER LIKE THE CAST OF MOULIN ROUGE IN THE OPENING NUMBER. THEY ENJOY THIS KIND OF FUN. I DON’T. MY BROTHERS ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED; THEY’RE NOT PIGS; THEY JUST HAVE A HIGHER LEVEL OF TESTOSTERONE. WE ACT THE SAME, DRESS THE SAME—WE ARE THE SAME. NO ONE CAN TELL ME APART FROM THE STRAIGHT GUYS IN THE METRO. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT, I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO WOMEN. I’M PRETTY SURE THEY UNDERSTAND THAT. THEY KNOW ME. THEY RESPECT THAT ABOUT ME. BUT THEY SAID THEY JUST FEAR FOR ME. THEY CONFESSED THEY HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT PEOPLE STONING ME TO DEATH BECAUSE I WAS OUT OF THE NORM. THEY FEARED WHAT RELATIVES WOULD THINK. THEY FEARED WHAT THEY’D SAY. BUT I TOLD THEM I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE BECAUSE I DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING. THEY NODDED. BUT THEY KNEW LIKE I KNEW THAT WHAT I WAS IN WASN’T AN EASY SITUATION.

ONE TIME, MOM KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID SHE WANTED TO TALK TO ME BEFORE GOING TO SANTUARIO SAN ANTONIO. SHE WAS DRESSED IN WHITE COMPLETE WITH A VEIL, WITH HER SILVER ROSARY ENTANGLED IN HER FRAGILE FINGERS. THAT MORNING, SHE ALMOST LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD A HALO.

“R, THAT’S A VERY BEAUTIFUL SHIRT YOU HAVE ON. IS THAT THE ONE JESSIE GAVE YOU LAST CHRISTMAS?” SAID MOM AS SHE SAT ON MY BED.

“THANKS MOM... CHRISTIAN GAVE THIS TO ME LAST SATURDAY. HE BOUGHT THIS IN SEOUL.” GOD, I SLIPPED.

SILENCE.

“SO, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I’M ABOUT TO GO TO CHURCH, I CAN DROP YOU OFF IF IT’S ON THE WAY.”

“I’M GOING TO ROCKWELL MOM, I’M MEETING UP WITH A FRIEND TODAY. BUT HE’S GONNA FETCH ME IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES.” I WAS TYING MY SHOES AND PUTTING ON MY FAVORITE PERFUME.

“DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO IT IS THIS TIME?” I KNEW WHAT MOM WAS DRIVING AT. AND I KNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE.

“AS THOUGH I GO OUT WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE, MOM.” I ANSWERED WITH A LOW VOICE.

SILENCE.

SHE SIGHED. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SHE UTTERED BUT IT SOUNDED LATIN, AS THOUGH BLAMING HIGHER POWERS BECAUSE I WAS GOING ON A DATE.

“WITH CHRISTIAN... WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS WRONG IN THE EYES OF GOD?”

“MOM, WE ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. WE’RE JUST GONNA HANG OUT.”

“REINHARDT NAKPIL SANDEZ, I’M TELLING YOU NOW, YOU BETTER END THAT THING OR ELSE.” SUDDENLY SHE WAS SPEAKING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS WHILE I KEPT MY VOICE PROPERLY LOW.

“I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME, MOM. I’M NOT BRINGING HIM HERE, AM I? I DON’T EVEN LET HIM IN WHEN HE FETCHES ME, AND THAT KIND OF EMBARRASSES ME. HIS MOM IS NICE TO ME, SHE EVEN COOKS US DINNER.” I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE MOM’S DAY A MESS. IT WAS JUST THAT SHE WAS BECOMING SO UNFAIR. SHE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP CHRISTIAN AND I HAVE IS NOT PURELY SEXUAL. SHE EVEN THOUGHT CHRISTIAN WAS LETTING ME SPEND FOR EVERYTHING WHEN WE GO OUT, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE. I’M NOT LIKE MADAM AURING, AND I SWEAR I COULD MAKE A LIVING OUT OF MY LOOKS IF I WANTED TO. I’M NOT DESPERATE.

“NOUVEAU RICHE,” SHE UTTERED QUIETLY. “IT IS NOT AN ISSUE OF OTHER PARENTS TOLERATING THE SINFULNESS OF THEIR CHILDREN. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ABERRANT LIFESTYLE, REINHARDT.” SHE WALKED OUT OF MY ROOM HOLDING HER CHEST, A GESTURE SHE ALWAYS DOES EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T REALLY HAVE A HEART PROBLEM OR ASTHMA.

IT LEFT ME STARING AT THE WALL FOR SOME TIME WHEN CHRISTIAN BEEPED. I GOT IN THE CAR.

“HAD A MISUNDERSTANDING WITH YOUR MOM?” HE NOTICED MOM DRIVING HER CAR OUT OF THE HOUSE WEARING SUNGLASSES EVEN IF IT WASN’T PARTICULARLY A SUNNY DAY.

“I DIDN’T MEAN TO. IT’S NOBODY’S FAULT.”

“WHY DON’T YOU MOVE TO MY PLACE? MAMÁ EXPRESSED YOU’RE WELCOME. I MENTIONED THAT YOU’VE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS.”

I LOOKED AT HIM. HE SEEMED SERIOUS. “YOU KNOW IT’S NOT THAT EASY, CHRIS.”

“I DIDN’T SAY IT IS, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU LOOKING STRESSED. I JUST WANTED TO HELP.”

“TOO COMPLICATED. I DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE THINGS LIKE THAT YET. I’M STILL DEPENDENT.”

“I CAN WORK THAT OUT. I’M SURE I CAN GET YOU TO FINISH MEDICINE LIKE YOUR PAPÁ IF YOU WANT TO.” CHRISTIAN IS A JUNIOR EXECUTIVE IN THEIR FAMILY-OWNED CORPORATION. I HAD NO DOUBT THAT HE COULD, AND HE WAS QUITE SERIOUS ABOUT IT. BUT IT WAS NOT THAT SIMPLE. I WAS STUDYING AT LA SALLE, AND I WAS SPENDING A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. IT WAS NOT REALLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND. I WANTED US TO BE ON EQUAL FOOTING.

“NOT THE BRIGHTEST IDEA.”

“OKAY.” CHRISTIAN LOOKED UP, AND SEEMED DISAPPOINTED FOR NOT TRUSTING HIM ABOUT MATTERS THAT SERIOUS JUST YET. BUT IT WASN’T THAT. REALLY.

SHORTLY AFTER THE CONVERSATION, CHRISTIAN AND I WERE ALREADY IN ROCKWELL. WE STROLLED AROUND THE MALL, WATCHED A MOVIE, AND THEN HE ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED TO EAT. I WAS CRAVING FOR SOMETHING ITALIAN. “WANNA TRY CIBO? MARGARITA FORES MIGHT BE THERE,” SO I EXCITEDLY SUGGESTED.

“HAVE YOU BEEN READING MAURICE ARCACHE ARTICLES AGAIN, NOUVEAU RICHE?” HE REPLIED WITH A TEASING GRIN THAT HID HIS CHINKY EYES, EXPOSING HIS PEARLY WHITES WITH SILVER BRACES.

I SMILED BACK. HE KNEW MY MOM WELL. HE SAID SHE WAS HIS TEACHER IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE BACK WHEN MOM WAS STILL WITH THE ACADEME. DESPITE THE THINGS MY MOM HAS BEEN SAYING ABOUT HIM AND HIS FAMILY, HE STILL CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS THE COOLEST TEACHER EVER BECAUSE OF HER SOPHISTICATED STYLE AND ELEGANCE IN LANGUAGE COMPARING MOM TO SOPHIA LOREN. HE ALSO LAUGHED AT THE FACT THAT HE WAS NOT ABLE TO PRONOUNCE THE FRENCH WORDS RIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS CHINESE ACCENT, NOT TO MENTION THAT HE WAS WEARING BRACES, WHICH HE SAID HE DIDN’T REALLY NEED. OUR CONVERSATION DURING THAT DINNER WAS SO MUCH FUN THAT WE BOTH FORGOT THE TIME.

WHEN WE WERE WALKING TO THE PARKING LOT, CHRISTIAN SAID HE WAS FEELING KIND OF WOOZY BECAUSE OF THE RED WINE WE HAD AT DINNER. HE SUGGESTED THAT I SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS PLACE BECAUSE HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO DRIVE ME HOME. IT WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME, AND HIS MOM WAS FINE WITH IT.

WE ENTERED INTO HIS ROOM AND HE LAY FLAT ON THE BED. I SUGGESTED THAT HE TAKE A BATH TO FEEL BETTER. HE INSISTED THAT I TAKE A BATH WITH HIM, LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME. “DO I HAVE A CHOICE?” I GRINNED. THAT FLIRTATIOUS BASTARD.

“WHERE DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?” SAID DAD. IT WAS NOT HIS USUAL VOICE. IT WAS LIKE THAT OF ZEUS’ WHEN MAD, AS THOUGH HE WAS GONNA THROW A THUNDERBOLT AT ME.

“AT CHRISTIAN’S, DAD. HE HELPED ME WITH THE STATISTICS PART OF MY THESIS. I CALLED UP MOM, SHE KNEW.” OF COURSE I HAD TO LIE. I’M A LITERATURE MAJOR. I READ LUPIN.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU CALLED.” HE TOLD THE MAIDS TO GO TO THEIR QUARTERS. “DO YOU STILL HAVE SELF-RESPECT LEFT IN YOUR SYSTEM?” OH MY GOD. “IF YOU WON’T LISTEN TO US, YOU’D BETTER PACK UP AND LEAVE THIS HOUSE, YOUNG MAN. JUST BECAUSE YOU CONFESSED YOU’RE GAY, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN DO ALL YOU WANT IN SPITE OF OUR EVIDENT DISAPPROVAL!”

MY MOM LED ME TO MY ROOM. HER EYES LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD BEEN CRYING ALL NIGHT. SHE CLOSED THE DOOR AND HUSHED MY DAD TO CALM DOWN BEFORE HE SAID SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY HURTING. I SAT ON MY BED AND CONTEMPLATED. MAYBE DAD HAD A POINT. MAYBE I SHOULD STOP BEING MYSELF, AND BE WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO BE. BESIDES, PARENTS KNOW WHAT’S BEST. THERE WERE A LOT OF GIRLS I KNEW WHO WERE VERY VOCAL ABOUT LIKING ME. IN FACT, ALMOST ALL MY FEMALE FRIENDS, WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, WERE JUST A BUNCH OF PHONIES WHO WANTED TO GET INTO MY PANTS. WHAT IF I DID IT FOR THEIR SAKE, SO THAT ALL ARE HAPPY?

BUT I COULDN’T POSSIBLY DO THAT TO CHRISTIAN. I LOVE HIM. BESIDES, IT’S NOT ME TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN. I MEAN, SEX COULD BE GOOD, BUT IT’S NOT FLEXIBLE—I COULD NOT CHOOSE A ROLE; IT’S FIXED. IT’D BE A BORE, CHRISTIAN AND I ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN AS IT IS. BESIDES, WHY WOULD I CHOOSE BEING NORMAL OVER BEING HAPPY? WHAT IS NORMAL NOWADAYS ANYWAY?

WHEN I WENT OUT OF MY ROOM, MOM AND DAD WERE TALKING. THEY INVITED ME TO SIT WITH THEM TO DISCUSS THE MATTER.

“R, CAN’T YOU REALLY CHANGE YOUR MIND?” MOM BEGAN.

“SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE COME HOME LAST NIGHT. I KNOW IT DIDN’T LOOK GOOD.”

“IT’S NOT THAT. I’M TALKING ABOUT THE LIFE YOU ARE LIVING,” MOM SAID.

DAD WAS IN DEEP SILENCE. I TURNED TOWARD HIM.

“DAD, I UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT. I’M YOUR SON, AND I AM BOUND TO FOLLOW HOUSE RULES. I WILL SEE TO IT THAT I COME HOME HOWEVER LATE AND HOWEVER IMPORTANT THE MATTER I’M ATTENDING TO IS. AND, I WILL ALSO LIMIT MY GOING OUT LATE, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. BUT CHRISTIAN AND I…”

“YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, REINHARDT, WE ARE A CONSERVATIVE FAMILY. YOU MUST ACT ACCORDINGLY. YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR NAME, OUR NAME, NO MATTER WHAT. PEOPLE RESPECT US THAT WAY.”

“AND R, MY SON, IT’S NOT WHAT GOD WANTS YOU TO BE,” MOM SAID WHILE HOLDING HER CHEST AGAIN, BUT I DIDN’T THINK SHE WAS FAKING IT THIS TIME. IT WAS DIFFERENT.

“MOM, DAD, I WANT TO OBEY YOU. I WANT TO PLEASE YOU, AND BE A GOOD SON LIKE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. BUT THIS TIME, IT’S ABOUT CHANGING MY ENTIRE LIFE, CHANGING MY ENTIRE IDENTITY. I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS, BUT I ALREADY AM. AND LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, I JUST WISH TO BE HAPPY.”

MY DAD CLOSED HIS EYES. I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM CRY BEFORE, AND IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO SEE HIM IN THAT SITUATION. HE HAS ALWAYS APPEARED STRONG, PRIM, COMPOSED. EVEN WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER DIED, HE DIDN’T CRY. PERHAPS THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE REALLY DID CRY. HE MUST HAVE LIVED BY THE SAYING BOYS DON’T CRY. HE MUSTERED ALL THE BROKEN PIECES OF HIMSELF AND FINALLY SPOKE. “IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY AGAINST OUR HOPES, YOUR MOM’S AND MINE, YOU’D BETTER GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.”

I HESITATINGLY TURNED TOWARD MY ROOM. MY MOM WAS CRYING. DAD, AFTER WIPING HIS TEARS WITH HIS PALM, STAYED SILENT STARING AT THE WALL. I WANTED TO TURN BACK. I WANTED TO EXPLAIN UNTIL THEY UNDERSTOOD ME. UNTIL THEY LISTENED TO ME. UNTIL THEY GOT WHAT I WAS SAYING. BUT WORDS FAILED ME. WHEN MY HEAD BOWED, I KNEW. I HAD TO LEAVE.

I PACKED MY CLOTHES, AND LEFT HOME THAT DAY. I WENT TO CHRISTIAN’S HOUSE. I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. HIS MOM SAW ME HOLDING MY LUGGAGE WITH TEARS FALLING DOWN MY CHEEKS. SHE LET ME IN WITH ALMOST INSTANTLY REDDISH EYES. SHE HUGGED ME. SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FEELING THAT IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN. SHE HUGGED ME REALLY TIGHT AND CRIED EVEN MORE, LIGHTLY UTTERING INAUDIBLE WORDS. I FELT HER TEARS RUN DOWN MY SHOULDER. I DIDN’T EXPECT IT. IT WAS ONLY THEN THAT I LEARNED CHRISTIAN’S MOM COULDN’T SPEAK. SHE CAN HEAR, BUT SHE WAS CONGENITALLY INCAPABLE OF SPEECH.

SILENCE REMINDED ME OF MOM. EVERYBODY WAS SO QUIET THAT DAY. I HAD NEVER APPRECIATED THE ABSENCE OF WORDS UNTIL THEN. CHRISTIAN DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING EITHER. HE JUST HELD MY HAND, AND CARRIED MY BAGS TO HIS ROOM.

ONE MORNING DURING BREAKFAST, MY MOM CALLED. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST A YEAR. I CHANGED MY MOBILE NUMBER, AND IT WAS STRANGE THAT SHE KNEW WHERE TO CALL ME. SHE ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING. I SAID I WAS FINE. I TOLD HER CHRISTIAN’S FAMILY WAS TAKING CARE OF ME PRETTY WELL. AND THERE WAS, AGAIN, SILENCE. SHE SAID THEY WANT TO SEE ME. “ALL RIGHT MOM, GRADUATION DAY, DINNER,” I REPLIED.

AFTER THE INCIDENT WHEN MY DAD CIVILLY KICKED MY BUTT OUT OF THE HOUSE, I HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING TO HIM ANYMORE ASIDE FROM THE GENERIC, ALMOST ROBOTIC MORNING GREETINGS. MY MOM, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS COME TO TERMS WITH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRISTIAN. SHE KNOWS SHE MISJUDGED HIM, AND SHE’S APOLOGETIC ABOUT IT, IMPLICITLY. THE FACT THAT NOT ALL SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS ARE GOING TO END UP LIKE OURS STANDS FIRMLY, HOWEVER. RELATIONSHIPS OF THIS NATURE STILL FACE AWFUL ODDS EVEN TODAY. AND IT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT JESSIE WHO IS JUST ABOUT TO LIVE THIS COMPLICATED LIFE.

JESSIE CALLED ME UP AGAIN PAST DINNERTIME; I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH. HE SOUNDED REALLY EXCITED. I ASKED WHY. HE TOLD ME HE WAS MEETING UP WITH THIS FRIEND AT HARD ROCK CAFÉ TONIGHT. HE MET HIM ON FRIENDSTER, AN ONLINE DATING SITE, AND THEY’D BEEN SENDING MESSAGES TO ONE ANOTHER FOR A MONTH NOW. I SAID BE SAFE. HE SAID IT’S NOTHING LIKE THAT. I ASKED HIM IF HE KNOWS WHAT TO EXPECT. HE SAID HE IS NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING; IT’S JUST A DATE. I ASKED HIM IF HE WOULD PAY. HE ANSWERED NO, ONLY FOR HIS FOOD IF HIS DATE WON’T OFFER TO PAY FOR HIS. I ASKED HIM IF HE’S READY. HE SAID YES. I SAID DON’T FALL IN LOVE. HE ANSWERED HE KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT. I SAID VERY WELL. I ASKED IF IT WAS HIS FIRST TIME. HE SAID YES. AND I SAID GOOD LUCK, YOU’RE NO GREEN APPLE ANYMORE, I’M SURPRISED. HE SAID OF COURSE, WITH DAD'S HELP. I DIDN'T KNOW IF I HEARD RIGHT SO I ASKED FURTHER. HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING: JESSIE SAID DAD HAS BEEN TALKING TO HIM QUITE A LOT LATELY. HE WANTS TO HELP JESSIE GET THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLES THAT I HAVE UNDERGONE ALONE BECAUSE HE SEES IN JESSIE HIS SON THAT HE WASN’T ABLE TO UNDERSTAND. HE ALSO MENTIONED HOW DAD RELATED HIS REGRETS AND SORRY FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US; AND HOW HE’S LONGING TO BRING BACK THE TIMES WHEN EVERYTHING’S FINE BETWEEN HIM AND HIS YOUNGEST SON. JESSIE KEPT ON EXPLAINING, ELABORATING. I WAS SPEECHLESS; DUMBFOUNDED STARING AT MY DIRTY CLOSET. ARE YOU STILL THERE, HE SAID. MY HANDS WERE SHAKING, ALMOST NUMBED, COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE OF THE PHONE. I CLEARED MY THROAT STRUGGLING FOR A RESPONSE. I HAVE TO BE GETTING READY NOW HE SAID. OKAY, I FINALLY REPLIED. BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE AND HUNG UP THE PHONE, MY TEARS BEGAN TO FALL.

Finally Learning

2008-05-26T17:22:00.004+08:00

Nothing stays true. I know what truth I know now will tomorrow be somewhat altered in some ways that I may not be able to recognize it anymore. Things shift. Things change. Things come and go. And they don’t wait for anyone. I am now 25 but I have not totally accepted how life operates. But I have changed. I like to believe I’ve matured, too. But then again, these all could be an illusion.

What I know now is that I am going somewhere. I haven’t been returning to where I was when I was 21 and almost pure id. I wasn’t good looking but I know where and how to get what I wanted when I wanted it. And I never paid for my needs. I was arrogant, feeling wanted and all that. But the consequences haunt me. When you’re there, you count the number of successful conquests. The more the numbers, the more desired you feel, not minding if you’ve hurt someone by leaving, or leaving the wrong impression that there’s emotion involved. Same goes to you. One time, I fell. Stupidly. And when you find someone you think you can settle down with, all those conquests will turn to regrets. Now, the prizes you think you’ve won begin to translate into how immature you were, how hurting you were to others, and how they all become threat to your future career/love life that you so want to protect and take care of.

Have been to 3 relationships, and I like to think they were all good. I just regret I had to hurt them in the past. Well, you learn in the process, they say. You hurt, get hurt. You teach, you learn. Simple rule, ain’t it? Is it called karma? I’d like to call it retribution. Nothing of the religious sort, I just looked it up in my dictionary.

Where am I now? Well, I learned to think of others, that’s one. I learned to take responsibilities I can handle, and not create ones I couldn’t. I realized that having material possessions as priority will only make you empty, yet greedy and evil. I learned to care.

Where do I want to go? I want to learn how to forgive, to forget, to see what’s not in the outside, to have discipline, to have more focus, to overcome laziness, and to expect less of everything. It hurts less that way. Believing in what you can rather than expect others to boost you up is another thing to achieve.

Hopefully, true maturity will dawn on me as I continue my journey in life. It’s just a shame I have no friends when I need them to be not there but here for me. It’s just so hard to carry on with life when alone. Have I not found true friends? Or perhaps, they’re like anything else, they also pass?

As I get to bed, things continue to come to my mind. Various things. The past, my uncertain present, and my seemingly gloomy future. I hope monsters of my past stop haunting me. I am alone now. I chose to be. Don’t try to force yourselves to me because I am too tired. If any of my ghosts are reading this blog, I’m begging. Please, stop following me. Let me be and set me free so I can have peace of mind, finally.

Officially ISKO

2008-05-23T11:50:00.007+08:00

Natalo si David Archuleta sa American Idol. Needless to say, ako ay nagluluksa ngayon...

Or maybe I'm just biased against rockers, and for soul/blues.

E ganun talaga ang buhay. Bata pa si David Archuleta. Marami pa siyang pagkakataon. Bakit, mas sikat ba si Taylor Hicks kaysa kay Daughtry ngayon? Of course not.

***
Anyhow, I'm now an official UP student. Nakapasa ako sa MA in Language and Literature program. Yahoo! Pero ang masama niyan, wala pa akong trabaho. Nakakalungkot. Puro mga clinical instructors at hrm profs ang hinahanap ng mga university. Saddening.

***
I miss Mam Ophie. I feel bad na hindi ko na siya teacher next sem. Nakakalungkot talaga. Ang haba narin ng pinagdaanan namin. Sana kapag nagkita kami ay kilala parin niya ako. She jokingly called me "favorite student" when I was still under her, but when I say she's my favorite teacher, it's all true.

Dr. Ophelia Alcantara-Dimalanta, you're still the best for me!

David Archuleta, Take Me To The Prom ^_^

2008-05-21T20:04:00.005+08:00

"David Cook! David Cook!" shouted our Indays at home.

"E ano naman ngayon kung David Cook fan ka?" said my cousin with her eyes now all red and veiny, with a voice so mad and so coarse. Never seen a reaction like that from a 13-year old since Bryan left Westlife.

Hehe, yun lang.

Bumili lang ako ng brief dito sa SM, nagblog ng 30 minutes. Paalis narin ako, actually.

Tignan nalang natin ang final verdict sa QTV bukas.

Side Comment: Imagine-in mo nalang, sino ba ang 3 rounds winner, diba?

To borrow from Cesar Minor Jr., lupasay naman ako kay Simon, he wasn't very subtle.

We Love You David Archuleta!!!

2008-05-20T17:57:00.005+08:00

Sana manalo si David Archuleta. Malapit na malapit na! Oh my gosh! Hindi ko na maikonsentreyt at aking mga gawain.

Sa mga nagmamahal kay David Hernandez na gaya ko, sana makita natin siya soon with an album. Sayang talaga ang talento niya. Fine vibrato, hot latin looks, and that charisma... Sayang talaga.

***

Sobrang nasalanta ang Pangasinan sa dumaang bagyo. Lahat ng relatives ko ay nagsuffer ng kawalan ng kuryente sa loob ng 4 na araw. Imagine! Ang init kaya at ang daming lamok without the aircon on! Hayy...

***

Mayroon akong bagong katext. Naaaliw lang ako. We're perfect strangers to one another, and everything we divulge about each other is fiction. Nakakatuwa lang. Wala personal info, puro made-up stuff. Lawyer ako, cpa-nurse siya. Hahaha, ang weird. Pero nakakaaliw talaga.

***

It has been 40 days since my dad died. Nagkaroon ng munting salo-salo kanina sa bahay. Ang sarap ng papaitan at kalderetang kambing. At ang sizzling shrimp in garlic sauce ng lola ko, the best!

Sana natikman uli ni papa ang mga ito, kasama ang GSM Blue at konting usap-usap....

Sentiments

2008-05-15T20:04:00.008+08:00

Due to my inability to write/do anything sensible lately, I am just going to write about the better things that happened in no particular order, which by the way is a phrase that is deconstructable because there can't be "no order". Nabobobo talaga ako pag walang pasok.

***

Naghahasik nanaman ng lagim ang mga magnanakaw sa Baguio. Nanakawan ng celfone ang 2 boarders namin, 2 naman sa kapitbahay, at pati judge at hepe ng pulisya ay nabiktima rin.

***

Wala na ang poging boarder namin. Umuwi na sapagkat tapos na ang IELTS review at exam niya. Sayang, nakagaanan ko pa naman ng loob yun. Chinitong pogi, matikas, malinis at matino. Typical mama's boy. Pero ang sarap kausap.

***

Kabibili ko lang ng P4000 na sapatos kahit na hindi naman kailangang ganun kamahal, considering that I am still looking for employment. Ang ganda kasi eh, at tama ang fit. Hindi ko na napigilang gamitin ang ipon ko sa bangko.

***
Naalis si Syesha Mercado kanina sa American Idol. Ano ang masasabi ko? Sana si David Archuleta ang manalo. I just think he's more vocally capable that David Cook, but then again, it's just an opinion. Mapili kasi ang boses ni Cook, and personally, hindi niya carry ang I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing ng Aerosmith. Parang flat ang performance kahit parang sinalsal na ito so it'd sound different and difficult.

I still think, nevertheless, that David Hernandez is the strongest contestant vocally. Bakit kaya talaga naging malaking issue ang pagiging macho dancer niya? Damn.

***

Ang hirap ng walang internet connection. Sana magpakabit na sila dito sa dorm. Hindi tuloy ako ma-update sa mga happenings at mga balita niyo. Tangina!!! Aaaaayheyyttttetttt!!!

Nip/Tuck

2008-05-07T13:50:00.007+08:00

Recently, nanonood ako ng bago kong kinalolokohan: Nip/Tuck. Nasa pangalawang season pa lang ako pero parang ayaw ko nang tantanan si Dr. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon). Haha. I know. I've never been so awed by an older guy since Costas Mandylor, pero I'm making a crazy exception.

Well, he's something, alright. The image, the role, the face, the body... Everything about him is to die for.

Nasisiraan na ba ako? Lol.

Anyhow, remembering my dad's passing, there is this one episode of nip/tuck that bothered me. While my mom, so vain and everything, is afraid of getting old and thinks it's every woman's horror, my dad died at 45. Such a young age. Then, I remembered someone in that episode of Nip/Tuck saying, "Getting old is not a curse. It's a privilege."

And I couldn't agree more.

I wish my dad is still here. I kinda miss him. It's not the same without him. Now, I couldn't interpret my lab results. I can't verify whether I'm taking the right meds for a certain sickness. Now, I've got no one to consult my actions to, since he'd always been there to advise. Now, I realize I've missed a lot of things.

Hay, I miss you pa. Hope you're just here, in our midst. I wonder what you think of Dr. Christian Troy.

qu ni sheng er kuai le

2008-05-05T18:33:00.005+08:00

Can you at least pretend that you want to greet me on my birthday?

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Changes

2008-05-02T16:23:00.005+08:00

Putting everything behind me, I'm beginning to move on. I've realized that life is too short to not make the most out of it. I now do not want to do things that I don't want to do, as much as possible.

I have listed here things that I used to do, but I am planning to change or stop soon. Sorry for the people I might hurt, but this is who I am now. If it's a phase, then good. If not, better.

1. Ayaw ko nang magpakontrol sa iba. No one can dictate me now. No more answering phone calls that I don't feel like answering. Kung namimiss mo ako, huwag mo akong tawagin, lumapit ka sa akin. Kung may sasabihin ka, iparinig mo, hindi kita tatanungin kung anong sinabi mo. Kung kinakausap mo ako, magpaintindi ka, ayaw ko ng malabo.

2. Ayaw ko nang mahiya. Kung dahil sa hindi naman ako corrupt na tao ay sira ang damit ko paglabas ko ng bahay, huwag mo nang punahin, malamang ay alam kong sira ito. Kung ginusto kong tumanggap ng suhol o pera mula sa masama, mayaman na sana ako ngayon at nakasuot ng branded mula ulo hanggang qtiks sa paa, pero gusto kong mabuhay ng marangal. Naive? Wala akong pakialam, ito ako. If you don't like what you see, I don't care.

3. Gagalaw ako sa paraang ako. Gagawin ko ang mga bagay ayon sa aking natural na akto. Babasagin ko ang stereotype. Hindi lahat ng bakla ay galawgaw. Hindi lahat ng bakla ay parlorista. At hindi lahat ng bakla ay pusong mamon. I have nothing against that type, I'm just saying I'm different. Patayan kung patayan. Hindi ako takot. Walang dapat ikahiya sa kung sino ka. Dahil sa oras na ginawa mo iyon, ikinakahiya mo ang katotohanan. Mamumuhay ka sa madilim na kasinungalingan.

Speaking of which, I want to watch Hugot when it reaches Baguio. My buddy Cesar said it's one unique experience, seeing the movie.

4. Kung ginalaw mo ang pamilya ko, humanda ka nang mamatay. And my friends' enemies are my enemies, too. Real friends are family to me.

5. Watch out. There will be a change in San Manuel. May not be anytime soon, but there will. And this is not a threat.

Magalit Ka

2008-04-30T12:22:00.008+08:00

Sabi ni F. Sionil Jose minsan, as long as you're living, hindi ka dapat nawawalan ng dahilan para magalit. Kung naabot mo na ang puntong ubos na ang galit mo, you might just as well die. I don't know if he meant it the way I understood it, but I like the thought of what he said.

Pero ang alam ko lang, napakaraming dahilan kung bakit tayo dapat nagagalit. Isa akong galit na tao. I'm just civil, but I am an angry person. More often than not, it shows. I have a short temper, and when I get mad, I get violent. But following Frankie Sionil, I feel alive when I am angry. It's funny that when I get angry and upset, I do things not to supress it but to solve the root cause of it. At all cost.

1. I am angry that since my father died, relatives have been setting claim on what little my dad left us. Dahil ba sa akala nila'y bata pa kami para protektahan ang aming sarili? Do they actually think we're weak? They're most wrong. Magkamatayan na, I won't let those people take from us the very things my dad fought for when he was still alive.

2. I hate politics. My dad died because of it. He wouldn't have drank himself to death if not because of the depression politics had caused him. It was his fault. He was not dirty enough for the game. He was an idealist. A Christian. Too damn stupid goody! Too bad he died even before he woke up from the illusion that he could free San Manuel. It would have been a rude awakening, but he didn't awake.

3. I am angry because people can't seem to stand for themselves. What if they're gay? What if they're dark-skinned? What if they're uneducated? What if they're handicapped? So what? Does that make them less of a person? If they apologize for who they are, then perhaps they are less of everything.

4. And finally, being angry doesn't make sense if geared towards the wrong people. Why are others angry at people who fight for their cause? Why are people angry at their brothers? Along Taft, nagrarally ang mga magsasaka dahil sa hindi makatarungang pagtrato sa kanila ng kanilang mga panginoon. Isa sa mga nakasakayan ko sa jeep, isang security guard, ay nagngingitngit dahil sa malubhang sitwasyon ng trapiko.

Sekyu: Itirgas nalang kasi ang mga punyetang iyan! Sagabal, tangina.

Ako'y nagulat, at para bang uminit ang batok ko sa kanyang sinabi.

Ako: Manong, ano po kaya kung kayo ang makaranas ng hindi makataong trato mula sa inyong pinagtatrabahuan, at kahit anong gawin ninyo ay hindi niyo maipaglaban ang inyong mga karapatan, saan kayo dudulog?

Sekyu: Edi maghahanap nalang ng bagong amo, maganda bang makasagabal ka pa ng iba?

Ako: Ganon po ba? Magsasaka po kasi sila, pagsasaka po ang tangi nilang ikinabubuhay. Buti nga po at nasa kalye sila, at ipinaglalaban ang kanilang mga karapatan. Alam po kasi nila ang mga ito. Ipinapahayag lang nila sa kalye ang kanilang boses na hindi pinapakinggan ng kanilang mga amo. Iminumulat po nila ang mga tao sa kawalan ng hustisyang nangyayari sa kanila. Marami po ang nakakaranas ng kanilang mga pagdurusa at siguradong makikipagsimpatya sa kanilang ipinaglalaban. Hindi po kaya isa sana kayo sa mga nakikilahok diyan?

Paano po kaya kung kayo naman ang may hinaing at gusto niyong marinig ang inyong boses? Ang inyong mga ipinaglalaban? Maririnig po kaya kayo, kung sa asal niyong iyan, kayo lang pong mag-isa ang magwewelga sa kalsada at walang makikilahok sa inyo. Mumurahin pa kayo dahil sagabal kayo sa linalakaran ng mga tao.

Hegemony?

2008-04-24T06:35:00.005+08:00

My dad just died. He bled to death, secondary to portal hypertension due to alcoholic liver disease. Great.

Jun Cruz Reyes said recently in a forum that bloggers should not impose on their readers their angst. Yeah, like we care. For one, I don’t like the word “should”. It’s as though he knows blogging that well. He isn’t even one. Blogging is a personal thing. Are we going to let him or other people for that matter get into our circle and start defining what and what not should be written in our blogs? Is this hegemony, canon style?

So what if you're a well-known writer? Everybody's friggin' equal in the blogosphere.

Personally, I write because I want to, and I write primarily for my self. It’s therapy. If people happen to read my blog, assuming that they do, a million thanks. At least I am being true to myself, and to others.

Going back, I won’t write crap about how sad I am, how my eyes tire themselves out of weeping, how I want to isolate myself from the world or something to that effect. Why? Because I don’t see the need to. I mean, I love my father in spite of everything, but I just don’t feel like it, but if I did, to hell with you, Jun Cruz Reyes. This is my life. This is my blog. Read at your own risk.

In my head, I’m convincing myself that life is just a time game. But unlike track and field, he who finishes first doesn’t win. But who does, anyway? If you die last on earth, would that make you a winner either? With all those pains of losing the people you love, having to live all by yourself? Dying is not painful to the one who died but to the people who are left behind. It’s a win-win situation, depending on your point of view. To die first or last, early or late, is not the point; it’s how you live life meaningfully, and the way you’ve always wanted to.

***Pa, all I thought of were the pains you’ve caused us. Your shortcomings. Your mistakes. I have just realized that I was selfish all along. I’m very, very sorry. I may not have said it before that often, but I love you. That won’t ever, ever change.

The public servant. The doctor. The family man. This eulogy is for you.

2008-04-21T10:03:00.006+08:00

My dad is not dead. He's just around the corner somewhere telling people his corny jokes that somehow manage to make them laugh.

My dad is not dead. He's just there in his farm where he takes care of his pets. 4-legged and 2-legged alike.

My dad is not dead. He just cooked fried rice and eggs. He worries though that I might eat a lot again.

Papa is alive. He's at home, treating our illnesses-- both physical and social. He worries that capsules and tablets might not be able to cure us anymore.

He is alive. In fact, he just spoke to me this morning before I woke up. He told me many things. I hope I remember them all.

Why do they say papa is dead? He is with Karen right now urging her to take up law because he trusts her decisions.

He is also with Sandra this morning forcing her to eat even if it wasn't dinner. He said he wanted to be at her graduation but there must have been a terrible miscommunication. He's very sorry about it.

He just spoke to King about going to college this morning. He said nursing is a tough course so he'd better take it seriously. He also told King he would have been in his graduation but he was already too busy celebrating it. Bro, he is so proud of you.

And he told me to tell mama to take her meds religiously. He advised that she should avoid stress and fatigue. Mama, papa cares about you. He is telling me now to remind you to take it easy.

Papa loves the family more than it ever knew. But this morning, he told me that he doesn't belong to the family anymore.

He said he now belongs to the town of San Manuel. Truth to tell, I hated him for it. I said, "Why do you still love the people of San Manuel even if it drained your money, your energy, and your sanity? They caused you severe depression many times, don't you learn at all, pa?"

Again I appealed, "The San Manuelians are not worth fighting for, moreso, dying for, papa. Let them suffer, it's their choice. Let's live a new life without them, please?"

He just breathed deeply and then said, "Sorry my son. I can't. The San Manuelians are still ailing. I still have to doctor their amnesia. They don't remember that they've been plundered, insulted, assaulted, spitted on, and massacred. They don't remember the criminals who did these brutal crimes to them because apparently, they are the very same people they vote for in the elections. I just can't die yet, son. I still have to treat this mad forgetting illness. I owe it to them. If not as a public servant, at least as a doctor."

I convinced him again, "Papa, please. Let's just leave them. Isn't your greatest dream to have a happy home? After politics, you still have us. We'll never leave you. Stop hoping that they're gonna stop forgetting. However you try to treat their amnesia, they're still gonna forget. And you know what, they'll forget you too."

He breathed deeply again, and stared blankly at the wall. And then, with uncertainty painted on his face, he answered, "That's why I just can't die yet. I have to treat the sick. I have to heal them from this monstrous plague; my soul won't be at peace if I die without helping them remember. That's why, I feel like I'll live a very very long life..."