Blogging has lost its meaning to me.
When I decided to blog, my real intention was to meet friends, virtual or otherwise: share opinions, have a good laugh at each other's posts, hang out once in a while, just like when I first started blogging in my early college days.
In almost a year of re-blogging, I've met great people. Friendly people. Wonderful people. Reading their blogs made them part of my life, my life beyond the chaotic outside world which I (and perhaps, they, too) meant to escape from. And there they were. There we were. Enjoying every bit of our funny, bizarre, hurtful, happy, and fleeting everyday existence. We've become friends, one way or another. Many may not notice but I watch friends closely. I offer help in any way I can.
I've seen them fall. I've seen them rise. I've seen them change. And heartbreakingly, I've seen them leave.
Friends are very important to me. I trust them so much so fast that I create a space for them in my life without asking if they are going to stay. If one of them leaves, that space I allotted stays empty forever. It kills me seeing that space. I am so vulnerable when it comes to friends because I have lost a friend many times. And many spaces in my life stay empty. I am now so empty. I am very defenseless when it comes to friends because I’d give, willingly, all for you.
Being empty, I think I can not share anything anymore. I don't just think, I know. I can not share what I do not possess. And I don't want to beg. But it's immaterial altogether. I hope you'll all find what you're looking for. If it's not happiness, then I don't know what. But I hope you find it.
- - -
Cesar: I've enjoyed your wacky blog. I'll still drop by once in a while. Text kita.
Joms: Pare, sorry sa lahat. Kung alam mo lang. Sobra mo akong giniba. But it has been a great experience knowing and reading you. You're the hardest part of blogging to leave.
Doc Ced: Ym parin tayo once in a while. I enjoy sharing trivialities with you. You'll be a great doctor, I can feel it. I know. Pogi ka, huwag kang kapusin ng self-esteem.
Kuya Mink: Bibisitahin parin kita sa blog mo, kahit anong mangyari! Hehe. I really needed to get out of here, sorry. Text parin kita, whatever happens.
Paul: Text me. Labas uli tayo one of these days.
Atty. Chase: Ang tagal ng blog leave mo. Pero salamat sa lahat ng pinagdaanan nating kalokohan. Bibisita ako sa blog mo whenever I do my research online. Sana mag-update ka na.
Bryan: Parekoy, adda ak latta ditoy. Ammom met iti numerok. Nu agaw-awid ka manen ditoyen, bagaan nak, wen? Na-enjoy ko amin nga kabaklaan ta nga duwa! ^_^ Ngem papanan ka latta dita blog mo basta masanguk.
Aaron: Ligawan mo na siya. He's a wonderful and lovable guy. Ym tayo whenever you're free. And because you swear not to tell anyone our secret, I'll give you a hint. He's up here. Not down there.
Ely: I enjoyed having you in my friends list. I love your photos. I think they're the best! Di ko pala natanong kung kilala mo si Al Dimalanta...
Poi: Salamat uli sa friendship badge. Babalik-balikan ko pari ang iyong kubeta. ^_^
Miss Kurdapya: Susunod na ako sa iyo...
Scarlet Mirage/Portable Bitch: Kung saan man kayo naroroon, miss ko na kayo ng sobra.
Franny: Text mo ako, text kita. I'll miss your adobo. Hindi pa man tayo nakakapag-kape sa Gateway, pasasaan ba't matutuloy din yun.
Wandering Commuter: I'll still drop by once in a while. Thanks, bro.
Sa mga kaklase ko at taga-laboratoryo: Two ways-- yahoo group and friendster. Sa mga taga-lab, nakalimutan ko ang username ko mga tol. Pano kaya yun?
Dabo: Alam kong nagsisimula pa lang ako maadik sa blog mo. Hehe. Pero malay mo, maadik nga ng tuluyan. ^_^ Ingat lagi, parekoy.
Nurse Ruff: Good luck sa love life. Pagna-admit ako, irerequest kong ikaw maglagay ng swero ko. Hahaha!
Yffar: Ikamusta mo nalang ako uli ke Criso... Enjoy ko ang shala mong blog.
Empress Maruja: Boboto parin ako sa Superstar mo. Pero bakit ang tagal mong hiatus?
Normand: Salamat sa friendship badge. Ingat lagi, banker.
Philippe: Di ka man bumibisita sa blog ko, I want you to know I'm glad you are better now. Nakita ko rin kung paano ka bumangon eh, at masaya akong nandun ako nun.
Kingdaddy: Oy kolokoy! Hahaha! Hintayin mo ako sa blog mo.
Kris: Katukayo, naa-amaze parin ako sa busy life mo, pero bumabawi naman sa sarap ng pagkain. Hahaha. I'll drop a line every now and then.
Insomniac: Hahaha, shala ka forever.
Gerald/Ian/Mike/Arjay/Macky/Daizuke: Busy na ang buhay niyo, pero I'm glad we've met here.
Kuris: Good luck sa buhay may-asawa. Pero you look determined to make it work. That's great. Sana maging mabuting asawa rin ako when the right time comes.
TL: Ym tayo.
Eclaves/Remcyl/Mrs. J: Mga kakosa kong byutipul. Agkikita tayon tu met laeng! Nu madanon.
Veradik: Salamat sa concern. Cbox mo lang ako if anything.
Zen Bitch: Magbabasa parin ako ng two-tongued poetry mo. Idol kita eh.
Kris Canimo: Astig ka!
Poging Payatot: Hahaha! Kikitain nalang kita uli, sa blogosphere o g4m. Patawa ang blog mo, loko. ^_^
Couen/Russ: Mga bisdak kong kaibigan. Da bes kayo tinuod!
Twistedhalo/Kai: Sexiest blogs ever!
Mojo Patatas: Maliit lang ang Baguio, makikita uli kita. ^_^
Ferbert: Kinnana gayyem, umuna akon nga umikkaten. Bisitaek tu lattan diay weird nga blog mo. Hehe! Ingats.
Joice/Sexymoi: Ladies, sorry gotta leave. I'll miss you all.
Johnray/Momel/Marvin: Dadaan parin ako sa blog nyo. You just all tc!
- - -
I'm gonna miss you all guys. I can still clearly remember you all. I will remember you all, definitely, kahit sa mga hindi ko masyadong naka-close kasi hindi responsive at madalang mag-update ng blog.
I'm sad and happy at the same time. I know this will help. And it's for the better for all of us.
Goodbye.
Labels: closed
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E bakit ka nariyan? Bakit ang layo mo... na?
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Labels: missing
In life, shit happens.
This can be read in two ways.
1. Sometimes, shit just happens for no reason. Sometimes, in the worst moments. The best thing about it is that, you learn from all those shit.
2. You're life is nothing but shit.
I want to think my case isn't the second one.
(From now on, I'll take you off my system so shit stops happening. Just like how I eliminated carb from my diet.)
Labels: depression, epiphanies, spiderman
May crush ako... Ex-seminarian. Naaamoy kong ano siya... Hehehe.
Something to keep me motivated! ^_^ Lost 5 kilos now.
Pwede na akong mag 1 step backward, 5 steps forward na ako within a week eh. Hehehe. Inuman na!!!
Labels: inspired
i met spiderman and fell in love with him. i tried to resist. i struggled to get rid of this feeling because i know he'll never even notice me, but his flaws just drew me nearer. i felt for a second there that he needed me. i could take care of him, you know. but the thought, as i think it over now, is plainly pathetic. i knew falling in love with him was just another big mistake, not that i did anything right in my life.
who wouldn't fall in love with a hero whose torso can freeze mr. freeze and make a joke out of the joker's wits? but wait, do they actually know each other? or am i mixing things up? where was i? oh yes, the way he weaves his instrument of metaphors can leave anybody stung, dumbfounded, until they realize they were about to die. yes, they: all at once.
spiderman, you own the web. no, you are the web!you're the reason why i came here even if it means ending up all sucked up and empty.
you're the biggest irony i've ever experienced. why did you salvage me from sadness only to kill me with depression afterwards? why are you called a hero at all? i don't really get it.
do you know that spiders should not be playing with fire because it's dangerous? the more i feel your fire's warmth, the more i feel hot. wait, was that irony or paradox? where was i? oh, i was just about to ask if this is just another kind of burning, with no conclusion? or was your real intention to burn me?
truth to tell, i didn't expect this to happen. i know you were cautious not to inflict this curse upon anyone, that is why you wear a mask. but what if the mask doesn't matter anymore? i heard your friend harry osborn tried to take advantage of you sometime in the past, when you were at your rock bottom, but you should understand, he was just confusing things. maybe, signs. or he just wanted to comfort you and care for you, and cover you with himself. yes, however you want others to see you as this tough superhero with extra-human abilities. maybe he just saw the baby in you, and he just felt that moment that you needed care. and i can't say i wouldn't have done the same, but...
o spiderman, i hope a lizard catches you, and chew your head off so i wouldn't be so interested in having you at all anymore. so i would stop desiring for your disjointed, incoherent, incredible, and scattered body... and sensibility.
Labels: spiderman
As a child, I didn't have any insecurity about how I look. I wasn't an ugly kid. I was (through my parents) even offered to appear in a movie in the 80s, but I was from the province an
d my
mamang who raised me wasn't interested in money because we didn't really need it. I had all I wanted when I was small. I was spoiled, but not a brat. I had a good sense of good and bad at an early age--my grandparents being devout Catholics.
When I went to school, I was a friendly pupil. I'd let my classmates use my things. I'd let them play my toys. I'd let them copy my answers during quizzes, and there was really no problem. Everybody was nice to me. There were some times when kids from lower sections called me Ike Lozada, Porky Pig, and other derogatory remarks, but my classmates and friends would defend me. I didn't really take those name-callings badly then, because as a child, people around me have always made me feel 'liked' being the friendly chubby kid. I graduated valedictorian in elementary, but ironically, that was when I started thinking there was something wrong with me.
I started to like girls. It was late (just before the graduation), but the liking was so strong. My biggest crush had the biggest crush on Devon Sawa. How could I compete with that guy? And then, she changed crushes upon realizing that he was out of her league thinking that Devon would have probably liked girls with big boobs like Pamela Anderson. She said she wanted to marry Patrick Garcia. Yeah, that thin guy who has a deformed nose. I started to think of my self as a substandard, the thin, err, slim being The Standard. Many girls liked me as I was, but the only girl I liked wanted to marry somebody else, a thin guy.
Since then, if I remember correctly, my attention was drawn to guys. I began to have male crushes. I desired them secretly: their abs, their bulges and their boyish faces best of all. But then again, I'd still have crushes on my girl classmates in high school. One of them turned out to be a lesbian. And the other married my best friend after high school. It wasn't easy feeling rejected in a way. I felt like the ugliest person in the world in my high school days. I began to be shy. I doubted my capabilities in everything. Although I excelled in class, it wasn't enough. I was fat. Reducing weight wasn't easy. The more depressed I was, the more I ate. Writing kept me sane. I started writing journals, poems and random ramblings. Most them I threw away. But some of them are still with me.
In college, it was tougher. Those extra-curriculars--theater, sports, mountain climbing, debate, everything--required good looks, altheticism, self-confidence, and attitude. I had none. In the lowest point of my life, I met Doc. She showed me that I was worth something. She made me feel important. She brightened up my darkest days... she made me feel loved.
I started from there. I regained my self-esteem. Everytime we were together and guys would stare at her, I'd tell myself I'm one lucky guy. I slowly attracted the attention of other people. Guys. Until I did the unthinkable. I went to bed with guys I hardly knew, for fun. I was exploring. It made me feel good about myself, but slowly I began to lose touch with Doc. After some time, more and more guys rejected my advances. I felt low, until one of them lightened me up. I fell in love with him. But after the night we met, I never saw him again. He confessed through text message that everything he said was lie just so I'd want to meet up with him. I suffered the longest period of depression. One whole year I lived an abnormal lifestyle. Until again, friends brought me up to where I am now.
Since then, I knew better. But just when I was about to feel good about myself, a recurring problem would hinder me. My size. Up until now. I feel good one minute, the other, sad. This is why I decided to not involve myself with other people in search of happiness. I want to be happy by myself. I want to be/feel complete before I give myself again.
Thinking about the cruelty men inflicted upon me in the past, I want to change my entirety for the better. I figured it'd nice to maintain an air of hostility to people I do not know so they couldn't hurt me. Not extend a ready hand to just anyone so they couldn't use/abuse me. And not to fall in love again so they couldn't drain me. But this is not for revenge. I'm doing this for myself, to be a better person. And what better way to be a better person than starting to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to live long, and meaningfully. I was just waiting for this moment to come. I've done this before and I've dropped 15kg through Southbeach diet. I'm sure I can do this again.
This is me no
w. A
nd I'm giving myself another month to be slimmer (I hate this word). And another, until I reach my goal. I am making my target realistic and I'm gonna work hard to attain this. I am not going to fail.
***After giving it much thought, I think I will be wanting to be alone for some time while purging everything bad out of me.
Now that I'm feeling most alone, I think I'll need to resolve this conflict by/within myself, and in the real world, not here. I think I'm beginning to be too dependent on you guys.
But just so you all know, I really deeply appreciate everything you've done. Expect no less from me.
Labels: diet, promise, weight loss
1. Tumaas ang pagkamangha ko kay
Mugen. Words can be so strong if put together by someone who knows 'life' well.
2. Namimiss ko si doc.
3. Naaaliw ako sa g4m word assoc at iba pang word games. Pero babawasan ko na para di ako makmukhang epal.
4. Ang dami ko na agad friends sa downelink, at marami naring nag-iinvite. Ang saya.
5. Pupunta kami sa Manila tomorrow.
6. Ang hirap talaga ng literary theory.
7. Wala paring nagyayaya ng inuman. At videoke.
8. Pumayat ako uli ng 3 lbs..
9. Yung crush ko dito sa building, di ko na masyadong nakikita.
10. Kumusta na kaya si Paul aka Lagalag aka Kwengkwang?
Labels: random thoughts
(Nahuli ba ako sa balita?)I just want to register this blog under Pinoy Gay Blogs to take my blogging to a higher level... Towards something I advocate. For the main belief that gay people, just like any other, maybe different from, but absolutely equal to, all the people in the universe.
And so I invite you all Filipino gay bloggers in the entire galaxy to join us in this endeavor. Let us not just IMAGINE a community we where all belong anymore, because now we know we can make it happen.
YOU can make it happen by pressing the icon below.
Be one of us, and make a difference.
Labels: MGG, pinoy gay blogs
"In the ninth round, Diaz’s face is a mess as the round starts and Pacquiao resumes the assault. Pacquiao lands a three-punch combination to the head. Diaz throws a left and a right, which Pacquiao blocks with his gloves. Diaz simply can’t land much. Straight left by Manny snaps Diaz’ head back. Diaz’ left eye is blackening and closing quickly. Pacquiao circles and flicks a couple of jabs. Right hand inside followed by a left sends Diaz down face first. The ref doesn’t even bother to count and waives the fight off at 2:24.
Pacquiao wins by knockout."
-Kevin Lole, Yahoo Sports News
(
http://sports.yahoo.com/box/news;_ylt=AmyvqHd5yH7Ev34JPjDKYn6UxLYF?slug=ki-livescoring062808&prov=yhoo&type=lgns)
Now, I'm poorer by another 500 pesos.
Friggin' sh*t!
Labels: loser
More and more every passing day, my self-doubt grows bigger and bigger. Although, this is not to mean that it's negative, if it hits you that way. I think I have just adapted this estimative sense of what and what not I can do.
I always ask myself:
1. Will I let my hair grow as long as Rapunzel's? Open doors to possibilities of promiscuous encounters just so I'd feel better about myself? I'm way past this, but I like the feeling.
I know it's immature. Kill me now.
2. Am I better off alone (for the mean time), so I can realize the blessing that is being single and unattached? Can we truly be unattached? Is there a reward for being so?
Relationships have done me nothing right. I think I am not yet ready (?), or that it's just not me to give everything because I still think of myself first.
This is maybe partly the reason why I like having many friends, because there are no strict rules, or thinking about limits with them. Anything goes, as long as there's respect, genuine concern, care, honesty--it's good to go. No strict requirements. No pressure. And it all comes naturally.
And friends are not each other's problems. Getting into a relationship is sticky business.
*I got dirty, I got sticky, but you see, I learnt.
Or did I?
3. Will I be famous? Will I be rich? Hahaha. Napulot ko lang ito sa lyrics ng kanta. Huwag na niyong pansinin ito.
Yung dalawa nalang, hindi na bale yung pangatlo. Di ko na problema iyon.
Labels: boredom
Wis vang reason para magmahaba ang hair kiz nitong mga nakaraang days? In furnezz to moi, multitude na ang nagparamdam sa urs trulalits, pero ang drama kez parang wiz lang nangyare. Hahaha! Pa-innocent effect, kahit Britney Spears naman inside. Bibilang lang akez ng dalawa ngayon, and more for later.
1. Nung may-I-went sa Manila, luray luray ever ang byuti ng lolo niyo. Naka-ust jacket and all, moist ang glasses, at pinagpapawisan. In short, wet look na bonggang bongga. Naglalakad ako towards some obscure 3-star hotel around Avenida. Habang naglalakad akez, may na-sight akong wowowee ang katawan, inside Chowking. Edi lakad lang ako while I cleaned my glasses para mas lalo kong ma-occular inspection itong homme na madadaanan ko. Saktong tapat ko na, pero nasa labas parin ako ng Chowking ha, I put on my glasses only to see he was already smiling at moi! Sosyalan, diba? Sad thing, wis ko type ang fez ni macho homme. Edi lakad ever lang kez...
Nakarating narin si Ulysses sa kanyang Ithaca, pero anetch ang nangyari? Wala pang vacant room. Edi naglayag uli ako papalabas, saktong naisipan kong mag-Jollibee! Umorder akez ng JolliHotdog na bonggang bongga. Habang kumakain akez, hala, papalapit na si Mr. Chowking at nag "hi". Tumigil for a while sa harap ko, nagkita ang mata namin. E akez, dedma kasi nga mga sis, wiz ko type itu. Mas type ko ang fez kesa body. Kisser kaya ako? Hahaha!
And so, may-I-buy daw siya ng churva, pero di ko na pinansin. May biglang umupo na deysi-sais sa tabi ko. Naglaway ako! Hahaha! Poohtah! Habang nakatingin ako sa kanyang shorts, ngumiti itu sakin. Napakanta nalang ako ng "O tukso... Pagbigyan mo ako!!!" to the highest level!!! Pero natauhan ako, at naisip kong birthday ni doc ang aking sadya doon. Biglang naging boy's cut ang buhok ni Rapunzel, at kumiling ang kabayo ni Robert Frost. Reality check daw,"And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep". And the irony is that, I never really had sleep. ^_^
2. Nagpamasahe kami ng aking bonggang bonggang sister sa Session Road. Sabi niya, 2 hours daw ang kanya kasi itutulog pa niya, so fine! Sabi ko nalang, lakad-lakad muna ako sa labas since nakakahiya naman sa mga lola na tumambay ako sa napakalimited na space sa spa.
Ang lamig ng panahon and everything. Naglakad-lakad lang ako sa Session, nagkape saglit sa Mr. Donuts, at lumalakad uli. May nahagip ang aking peripheral vision na college stude, naka-uniform pa itech, magkaklase at nagpipikyuran sa may gilid. Napalingon ako at tumawa ng taimtim. At lola, nag "hi kuya" ang mokong. Ako naman, diretso na ng lakad. Ang cute niya! Lamang lang si Ejay ng PBB ng isang paligo. Edi si Ulysses, kilig-kiligan, pero diretso parin sa paglakad. Hinabol niya ako, tinanong niya ang oras. Sabi ko 10pm. Sabi niya, alam ko raw ba yung lugar na something, pero binilisan ko lang ang paglakad. Kuya, bakit ka nagmamadali, sabi niya. I have to go home, sabi ko naman. At sa Ingles, para sosyalan. Nagsasalita siya pero di ko na pinansin. I have company waiting for me eh. Haiz...
Naalala ko tuloy sa Padi's. May lalaking naka-hood na mukhang Mark Herras na lumapit while I was dancing with my friends in a circle. Sabi niya, ang daming tao ano? Sabi ko, mas marami, mas masaya. Sabi niya, mas masaya sa tahimik. And then he was already asking for my number. Sabi ko nalang, I really can't, I'm with my (invisible) gf. Hahaha! Kaloka. Ayaw ko nga ng ganun. Masyadong sosyalan. Di ko ma-take.
Pang-apat na fafa in three days. Say mo? Sabi ni doc, I look 5 kilos slimmer. Itu kaya ang rason?
Humahava na talaga ang aking hair... Ipa-David Salon ko kaya para ipa-layer? ^_^ Say mo?
Labels: nonfiction, sosyalan
Pagdating ko sa Maynila ng mga 12mn, agad akong naghanap ng matutuluyang hotel. And guess what, walang bakante. Kumusta naman ang buhay, with the strong wind, violent rain, and all that jazz?
And so, I waited up to 4am bago ako naaccomodate. And I woke up early in the morning to make the necessary preps, so more or less, 30 mins lang na hindi tuloy-tuloy and tulog ko kasi nawalan pa ng kuryente and hotel for some time. At ang aking pinakamamahal na shoes, naaawa ako sa kanila. Inilusong ko sa baha na puno ng ihi ng daga, dura, and god knows what else.
Salamat nga pala kina Mink, Cesar, at Paul. They were with me through texting while I was out there, cold and blue. Sobrang nalungkot ako sa pangyayari pero they managed to make me feel good about going there kahit na holdup ang taxi at pedicab na sinakyan ko. Mga abusado.
Eto ang mga litrato, and I won't elaborate anymore. The experience was just superb. Pero tumaas ang bp ko after sa dami ng nakain ko sa lunch buffet. Hulaan niyo nga kung saan ito? Hehe. P1, xxx ang per head, third most expensive meal ko sa buong buhay, third to some hotel in Singapore, and then a resto in Hongkong.
Si doc, making pa-cute to me.
Ang view, period.
Ang sosyal na interiors.
Want Mongolian?
Although I would tell doc na masaya na ako sa "manong, isa't kalahating kanin, pasabaw" or "danggit, itlog na maalat, at isang bandehadong kanin," kakaiba ang degree of happiness ko dahil kasama ko siyang kumain dito with her fun bro, interestingly opinionated mom, and his uncle na sobrang nakakatuwang kausap. ^_^
Happy birthday uli, doc!
Labels: birthday
At around 11 pm tonite, I will already be in Manila. Alone in a hotel room.
Text niyo naman ako para hindi miserable ang pag-iisa. Hehe, desperado.
My biggest fear is being alone, mga kapatid. Parang di ko kakayanin...
Kinabukasan, aattend kasi ako ng birthday. Ang layo, diba? Susyal.
Interesado kayong magtext?
0917.360.2411/0922.7932139^_^ Temporary numbers...Labels: alone
I'm back to reality. I have to conquer whatever it is that makes me weak to be stronger. I can't keep this thing going on, and making my puny little life suffer more. I've had enough, and I'm moving on.
Thanks to some friends who were (hopefully, are) there to comfort me when I was (am) down.
Pareng Joms, tangina! Yun lang. Salamat ng marami, hindi ko masabi sa salita. "Jeff Palmer is Jeff Palmer!" (Minor, 2008) Sino pa bang kaibigan ang mas maaasahan mo kaysa siya? Siyang nag-aadjust sa lahat ng pangangailangan mo. Siyang umaasikaso ng kaluwagan, kasikipan, at tempo ng iyong trip?
Besides, what's with the balbas and bigote? Matanong lang. ^_^
Jc, salamat din. Baka nga nagkakaganito ako para mas lumakas.
Noel, hindi tayo pareho ng pinagdadaanan pero tama ka. Depression lang siguro ito ng tigang. Hahaha! Pero other than that, okay naman ako. Depressed parin dahil hindi ko napanood ang oble run sa UP. Hahaha! Ayan, nakukuha ko nang humalakhak na parang Celia Rodriguez.
Wandering Commuter, I liked what you said. Tama ka naman. While on your journey, enjoy the detours. Magbaon ng ngiti. Kung sisimangot pa ako, edi mas lalong lolosyang, diba?
Vera, Anino, Paul, salamat. I'll be good. I promise. Recuperating narin kahit papaano.
Minkie, ang cute ng pic niyo ni Rad. Natuwa ako ng todo.
Cesario Minor, Jr., you've always been my constant reminder thru text to be ever critical. Walang point na magnguynguy sa isang gilid at maging "arsagid nga mangit". Ituloy ang laban gaya ni Judy Anne Santos against her many detractors. At papatunayan natin kay Sharon Cuneta na "You can NOT HAVE IT ALL!" Tanginang patalastas iyan, plastik! Hindi na sana siya bitter kay Gabby if she has it all.
At Mama Ja, I'm okay. Hindi na ako iiyak noh. Sabi ni Fergie, "Big gurls don't cry!" I so miss you. Huwag na maistress sa teaching load mo ng Psychology at Philosophy while your field of expertise naman talaga ay interior design and art restoration. Kaloka!
Anyhow, I've proven once again na kaya ko ang buhay single basta may mga hags! Hahaha! Joking aside, kaya ko palang mabuhay ng walang karelasyon as long as I have nourishing friends around, and a family ready to help. Bakit ko pa nga ba pinagkukunsumehan ang mga optional na problemang iyan, diba?
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Behind all these, I know that the road to happiness is still long, maybe endless. But it's what life is about, right? Finding real happiness. Not enjoyment. Not pleasure. Not sex, although it's negotiable. Lol. And not even honor, power, glory, or the combination of all the abovementioned. Happiness is knowing yourself and conquering those that make you sad. Finding someone who I can have sex with now won't solve my problem, although it would fix my temporary depression. But then again, it's precisely that which makes me weak.
And even my downe/g4m/biggercity accounts are proving to be impotent because all of the peeps seem nice and so approving, thus, not very helpful to me towards reaching that catharsis. Maybe I don't need to reach that point anymore. Why go through all that trouble when I know I can find the comfort and realization through friends? And having said that, I hope friends know by now that whatever happens, I'm also here, just a beep away.Labels: depression, moving on
I am starting from zero, but at least I know what I want now. And I already know what I am looking for.
After that period of confusion, after that series of depression, after all the people I have hurt and have hurt me, I can finally say that I am stronger now when I should be most depressed.
I have broken up with the person I've been intimate with for more than a year because of reasons that I will no longer elaborate. It just didn't work. We just didn't click. It's true what people say sometimes, that to be able to make a relationship work, you should be of the same mental, financial, emotional, intellectual and sexual level, or at least, more or less on the same plane. We just had too many differences that we weren't able to resolve so it was wisest to cut it. I know it wasn't going somewhere good.
(It's a good try though, it was my first homosexual relationship, and it lasted for about a year.)
Another is that I am a bum. I have no job, and I feel incompetent. I just so need someone to give my life direction. But I am not doing that. I have to do this by myself. I know I can, I just need a little push. It's also sad that these times when I need a friend, I see no one. My friends are minding their own problems, which I perfectly understand. Prices are hellishly high, damn the president. She abducted my friends. Philippines is becoming America. That's what I feel. Every interaction now seems business-like, transactional, cold. I feel so alone. If only my dad's here, I shouldn't be feeling this. I miss him so much.
I have reactivated my g4m, downelink, and biggercity accounts again. I know I'll feel worse, but I also know that when I reach the lowest point of my life, there'll be catharsis. Then, there will be no way but up.
I just feel so down right now.
Labels: depression
Indian Summer
By Dorothy Parker
_
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
_
But now I know the things I know,
And I do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
***
Mahirap na sa akin ang pagkikritika ng tula nina Pete Lacaba at Amado Hernandez noon sa Uste, pero kumusta naman, parang wala nang natira sa utak ko sa literary criticism subject ko kay Chicharong Coroza at ang endless new critiquing ni American Ophelia.
Ang sabi ng prof ko, ianalyze daw ang tula formwise at contentwise. Other than it has a definite rhyme scheme and metered lines, ano pa ba ang masasabi sa form? Kailangan bang punahin ang stylistics nito? Eh hindi ko pa abot ang level na iyon.
At sa content, ang theme nito malamang ay as one approaches maturity, he/she becomes more self-approving. Tumataas ang level ng self-confidence niya. Mas sure na siya sa sarili niya. Hindi na niya kailangang magbago pa, kasi nakakapagod ang ganun. Kung kilala mo na ang sarili mo, at gusto mo na iyon, it's other's turn to change for him/her naman...(?)
Ahaha! Ang babaw ko na, nyemas. Help nyo naman ako, mga online tutors ko.
Labels: Del Tolentino, literary criticism, mike coroza, Ophelia Dimalanta, UP
